Have a penis? Do NOT click on this link.
Seriously. I'm warning you...
Friday, April 27, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
I logged into my MySpace account tonight...
...and found none of my friends to be online. Where are you, MySpace friends? I just made a mixed tape for you!
Friday, April 20, 2012
So, The White Sox Suck
But at least the beers at Comiskey are $7.75, amirite?
Sigh.
I knew this year was going to be bad. Typically, when I head into a season, I can find something to be optimistic about. Maybe it's a younger player from whom I want to see progress or a few old stand-bys we can all shower in adulation...but this years team? It's Paul Konerko or bust.
It would seem that I am not the only fan that has taken notice of this awful, awful White Sox team. Last Monday, Brad and I made an intrepid trip down to the South Side to take in an Orioles vs White Sox game on half-price Monday. The crowd was comically awful and I guessed the paid attendance to be about 16,000 and change, Brad guessed 14,000 or so and the truth turned out to be so bad, the Sox didn't even do that "Guess the Attendance" thing they do in 7th inning on the Jumbotron. The paid attendance (again! On Half Priced Monday! Our lower-level tickets up the first base line were only $20!) was 13,732.
Brad and I are only two games into our 14 game package so the only thing that is going to keep me going to park at this point are the Kosher dogs (priced at--sigh--$5.25 a pop) and the smell of the grilled onions which I don't even eat. But it's a nicer smell than Brad or me.
To be fair, maybe I'm a tad pessimistic. Maybe all of the Sox players who sucked last year will rebound. Maybe the kids will take a nice step forward. Maybe we'll go on a tear in June and Brad and I will have something to cheer about after all.
Or maybe we'll keep hitting Bret Morel--he of the .146 On Base Percentage--in the 2 hole and the Sox will have more stellar games like yesterday where we had 3 batters with 3 strike outs making Adam Dunn and his 2 whiffs seem like the super-star we're paying him to be. Man, there's just no way this team doesn't lead the universe in strike-outs.
We will, of course, lead the league in adjusted STTTDWHLISAAPCTSL*.
Sigh.
*Slow Turn Towards The Dugout With Head Lowered In Shame After Another Pathetic Called Third Strike Looking
Sigh.
I knew this year was going to be bad. Typically, when I head into a season, I can find something to be optimistic about. Maybe it's a younger player from whom I want to see progress or a few old stand-bys we can all shower in adulation...but this years team? It's Paul Konerko or bust.
For whatever reason when I did a Google image search for "Paul Konerko", the 12th picture that came up was this totally rad picture of Tadahito Iguchi. I miss me some Tadahito Iguchi.
It would seem that I am not the only fan that has taken notice of this awful, awful White Sox team. Last Monday, Brad and I made an intrepid trip down to the South Side to take in an Orioles vs White Sox game on half-price Monday. The crowd was comically awful and I guessed the paid attendance to be about 16,000 and change, Brad guessed 14,000 or so and the truth turned out to be so bad, the Sox didn't even do that "Guess the Attendance" thing they do in 7th inning on the Jumbotron. The paid attendance (again! On Half Priced Monday! Our lower-level tickets up the first base line were only $20!) was 13,732.
Brad and I are only two games into our 14 game package so the only thing that is going to keep me going to park at this point are the Kosher dogs (priced at--sigh--$5.25 a pop) and the smell of the grilled onions which I don't even eat. But it's a nicer smell than Brad or me.
To be fair, maybe I'm a tad pessimistic. Maybe all of the Sox players who sucked last year will rebound. Maybe the kids will take a nice step forward. Maybe we'll go on a tear in June and Brad and I will have something to cheer about after all.
Or maybe we'll keep hitting Bret Morel--he of the .146 On Base Percentage--in the 2 hole and the Sox will have more stellar games like yesterday where we had 3 batters with 3 strike outs making Adam Dunn and his 2 whiffs seem like the super-star we're paying him to be. Man, there's just no way this team doesn't lead the universe in strike-outs.
We will, of course, lead the league in adjusted STTTDWHLISAAPCTSL*.
Sigh.
*Slow Turn Towards The Dugout With Head Lowered In Shame After Another Pathetic Called Third Strike Looking
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Santorum is dropping out...
Sad news for folks who hate vaginas: Rick Santorum is dropping out of the presidential race. Thus ends almost a year of fun, terror and gay bashing. I'm gonna miss the little anal drip.
We can now look forward to the official launching of the Mitt Romney campaign! Fun fact: in a totally unrelated note, 100 years ago today, the Titanic launched on her maiden voyage.
Now, I'm not comparing ol' Mitt to an ill-fated tragedy that killed roughly 1,500 people but he is rich, white and along the way all his servants died.
I'm assuming.
We can now look forward to the official launching of the Mitt Romney campaign! Fun fact: in a totally unrelated note, 100 years ago today, the Titanic launched on her maiden voyage.
Now, I'm not comparing ol' Mitt to an ill-fated tragedy that killed roughly 1,500 people but he is rich, white and along the way all his servants died.
I'm assuming.
They've finally created a pizza that shocks and terrifies even my gluttony...
I think we can all agree that I have poor eating habits. For instance, when my wife leaves town, I often order several pizzas, buy a few Encor! Veal Parmigiana frozen dinners, a couple of bottles of Jim Beam and try not to leave the house or shower for the extent of her trip. Even with her in town, I've been known to eat like shit. For instance, in the last few months alone, I have consumed:
Every once in a while, however, my acclaimed ability to combine meats and pastas/pizzas/tacos will encounter an item that I won't touch. The rumored "Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco" comes to mind. But I won't eat that because I think that Cool Ranch Doritos are a "food" sent straight from the depths of Hell, perhaps conjured in Hell's kitchen by celebrity chefs Joseph Goebbels and Anne Frank (too soon?). No, the item I've discovered combines foods I traditionally love in a way that makes my cholesterol levels quiver in abject fear.
If you find yourself in London tomorrow while feeling a hankerin' for some greasy American pizza, feel free to hop online and order a pie from Pizza Hut's English delivery menu. From that menu, not only will you be able to order a meat lover's pizza that puts America's to shame ("Pepperoni, ham, steak, spicy minced beef, spicy pork sausage, chicken") but you will also be able to order this monstrosity:
I'm sorry, England...what have you done? A hot dog stuffed crust? With a free mustard drizzle? I'm actually dumbfounded and a little disappointed in say, Wisconsin, for not coming up with this first. And why use hot dogs? Wouldn't one of those curved sausages--bratwurst pizza!--have fit much better around the ring? I guess I shouldn't give Pizza Hut any ideas.
Because while I may be appalled...sigh...when push comes to shove, I know I'd probably end up ordering one.
Jim Beam is a sunovabitch.
- 3 Doritos Locos Tacos in one sitting
- approximately 20 pizzas
- one box of macaroni and cheese with diced up, deep friend shrimp
- one box of Sharp Cheddar Kraft Delux macaroni and cheese with diced up meatballs
- one pan pizza from Pizza Hut with pepperoni and an item listed just as "pork"
- one "Bourbon and Orange Juice"
- 5 home made Frito Burritos
- 3 "Frito Chili Cheese Wraps" from Sonic
Every once in a while, however, my acclaimed ability to combine meats and pastas/pizzas/tacos will encounter an item that I won't touch. The rumored "Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco" comes to mind. But I won't eat that because I think that Cool Ranch Doritos are a "food" sent straight from the depths of Hell, perhaps conjured in Hell's kitchen by celebrity chefs Joseph Goebbels and Anne Frank (too soon?). No, the item I've discovered combines foods I traditionally love in a way that makes my cholesterol levels quiver in abject fear.
If you find yourself in London tomorrow while feeling a hankerin' for some greasy American pizza, feel free to hop online and order a pie from Pizza Hut's English delivery menu. From that menu, not only will you be able to order a meat lover's pizza that puts America's to shame ("Pepperoni, ham, steak, spicy minced beef, spicy pork sausage, chicken") but you will also be able to order this monstrosity:
I'm sorry, England...what have you done? A hot dog stuffed crust? With a free mustard drizzle? I'm actually dumbfounded and a little disappointed in say, Wisconsin, for not coming up with this first. And why use hot dogs? Wouldn't one of those curved sausages--bratwurst pizza!--have fit much better around the ring? I guess I shouldn't give Pizza Hut any ideas.
Because while I may be appalled...sigh...when push comes to shove, I know I'd probably end up ordering one.
Jim Beam is a sunovabitch.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Have you ever watched a car accident happen from start to finish?
As of yesterday, I have.
Seeing how I'm unemployed, I look for excuses to leave the house. With baseball season coming up, that won't be a problem but until Opening Day, those excuses have been quite, um, "lame".
For instance, yesterday, I took a walk to the local aquarium store.
Anyhow, I was walking down Clark Street just north of Bryn Mawr when I was about to cross the street. Before I did so, just like first grade taught me to, I looked both ways. Across Clark, a girl was waiting to turn right at a stop sign on a hilariously pink moped. Pointing south, an older Asian gentleman was also stopped at the stop sign. Before crossing, I waiting to see if the girl on the moped would turn right (heading north) or go straight and cross Clark, thus crossing my path.
The girl on the moped sorta veered north, suddenly--and I have to figure accidentally--accelerated and couldn't turn in time to avoid the stopped Asian gentleman and his white Ford Middle Age Sedan. The girl realized far too late that she couldn't turn, said a very audible "OH SHIT!" and slammed into the side of the car. Not only that, at the moment of the collision, she accelerated again, dragging her moped along the side of the dude's car until she eventually fell over beyond his trunk.
The girl clearly didn't know what to do. She re-mounted her pink rocket, proceeded north a bit, stopped and turned around in her seat to see if the guy was coming at her with nun-chucks or something. The weird thing was, the guy didn't do anything. As far as I could tell, he didn't even change his facial expression. This was one stoic mo-fo. He looked over his shoulder, turned back, placed his hands at the 10 and 2 position and headed south on Clark as if a freaked out girl taking her moped out for the first time didn't just poke a dozen holes in his car.
I watched him turn left at the next street so I was able to see the considerable damage to his car. Dude just didn't care.
And then I went an saw a bunch of cool fish.
Seeing how I'm unemployed, I look for excuses to leave the house. With baseball season coming up, that won't be a problem but until Opening Day, those excuses have been quite, um, "lame".
For instance, yesterday, I took a walk to the local aquarium store.
I'm cool. And yes, this is how I look in the mornings these days
Anyhow, I was walking down Clark Street just north of Bryn Mawr when I was about to cross the street. Before I did so, just like first grade taught me to, I looked both ways. Across Clark, a girl was waiting to turn right at a stop sign on a hilariously pink moped. Pointing south, an older Asian gentleman was also stopped at the stop sign. Before crossing, I waiting to see if the girl on the moped would turn right (heading north) or go straight and cross Clark, thus crossing my path.
The girl on the moped sorta veered north, suddenly--and I have to figure accidentally--accelerated and couldn't turn in time to avoid the stopped Asian gentleman and his white Ford Middle Age Sedan. The girl realized far too late that she couldn't turn, said a very audible "OH SHIT!" and slammed into the side of the car. Not only that, at the moment of the collision, she accelerated again, dragging her moped along the side of the dude's car until she eventually fell over beyond his trunk.
The girl clearly didn't know what to do. She re-mounted her pink rocket, proceeded north a bit, stopped and turned around in her seat to see if the guy was coming at her with nun-chucks or something. The weird thing was, the guy didn't do anything. As far as I could tell, he didn't even change his facial expression. This was one stoic mo-fo. He looked over his shoulder, turned back, placed his hands at the 10 and 2 position and headed south on Clark as if a freaked out girl taking her moped out for the first time didn't just poke a dozen holes in his car.
I watched him turn left at the next street so I was able to see the considerable damage to his car. Dude just didn't care.
And then I went an saw a bunch of cool fish.
Like this one, which I'm pretty sure will be haunting Krishni's nightmares for the foreseeable future.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Krafts with Krishni
Last weekend, my super-amazing wife set up shop at the Randolph Street Market to sell the shit out of herself. See, in addition to being a fabulously gifted photographer and too sexy to be married to the likes of me, she also makes her own jewelry. Many moons ago, she applied for a space at the RSM and then sort of forgot about it. In February, they contacted her to see if she was still interested in setting up shop. Indeed, she was.
Now that I'm unemployed and getting fatter by the day, we look for opportunities to make money and get up off the couch. It is my dream to someday have my wife earn enough money that I don't need to bother with showering/leaving the house. If I can get my wife one step closer to fulfilling my dreams of laziness, I'm going to assist in any way I can.
Really, though, my skill-set added nothing to this venture. While she worked her fingers bloody making necklaces, bracelets, earrings, magnets, knick-knacks, etc, I was left with the all important job of making sure her Diet Coke remained full. It was the best I could do.
Thus, last Saturday we loaded up my Dad's car and headed down near the United Center to set up shop at the "Historic" Plumbers Hall at 1340 W Washington.
It was an eye-opening experience. It really took us to the second day of the event to get a feel for how these things go. Krishni's enthusiasm for the event picked up as the hours rolled by and seemed to really enjoy describing how each individual piece was made while simultaneously scoring email addresses for her mailing list. My job was to make sure kids didn't steal anything off our table and to flirt with old ladies as they strolled by ("My, your hair! What a lovely shade of blue!").
Besides me being immensely proud of my wife for putting it all together (and the subsequent work on her website--coming soon!--and the future millions of dollars her company is sure to rake in) there were a few other highlights. My second favorite moment was when my Taco Bell buddy Kalena came by with her Mom to spend far more money than they should have. Wait, that wasn't may second favorite part. My second favorite part was how it took Kalena .005 seconds to locate the bar in the joint and order a margarita.
However, the unequivical non-Krishni highlight of the weekend came very early on Saturday afternoon. We had been informed beforehand that HGTV was going to be shooting a piece during the market. We didn't know who or what to expect but we did know they'd be there. Anyhow, shortly after the doors opened to the public, while Krishni was still setting up our area, this sizable lady with a camera and lights entourage came bombing up behind me started rifling through the items on the table next to us.
The table was run by a sweet, older black lady who was clearly a veteran of the circuit. She ambled over as the large woman with the camera crew
picked up a hanging lamp, turned to the camera crew and excitedly said "THIS! This is exactly what I was looking for!" We later found out that the "talent" was a woman from Chicago named Meg Caswell who won a competition on HGTV called "Design Star". Apparently she has a degree in Criminology who went all Martha Stewart and won the Design Star title on HGTV. And, for the purposes of this story, she is not a graceful woman.
As she picked up the lamp and squealed with delight to her crew, the lamp just sort of disintegrated in her hands and shattered on the floor. On camera.
Now, I was sitting about two feet away from Meg when this happened. In fact, a whole bunch of glass hit my foot. Watching all of this, I lowered my head and tried not to fall under the table in a fit of laughter.
I bring this up not just because it was a funny moment in my day; no, I bring this up because I'm 95% certain Krishni was in the shot with the shattered lamp and 100% certain Krishni was in the subsequent reaction shots. If there is a true and just God, Krishni will be on TV along with this woman's increasingly red face.
Meg ended up purchasing the lamp for $50 (after the show I took the lady who ran the table aside and told her she made a major tactical error. When a visibly shaken Meg asked the lady how much the now-shattered lamp was, she received a reply of "$50". But really, had the lady replied "$300", you have to figure Meg would have had to pay it. What was Meg going to do, having been caught on camera shattering the thing? Major mistake by a nice lady) and moved on with her camera crew. Perhaps next time--with any luck--Meg will destroy something Krishni made and we can make a tidy profit.
I'll post any video I can find off the HGTV website.
All in all, it was a fun weekend and we learned an awful lot. We made a few bucks and we've already signed up for the next Randolph Street Market on April 21st and 22nd. Hopefully, that weekend, we can make the several million dollars it will take to keep me busy with monthly Disney World trips.
And then I'll never have to shower again.
Now that I'm unemployed and getting fatter by the day, we look for opportunities to make money and get up off the couch. It is my dream to someday have my wife earn enough money that I don't need to bother with showering/leaving the house. If I can get my wife one step closer to fulfilling my dreams of laziness, I'm going to assist in any way I can.
Really, though, my skill-set added nothing to this venture. While she worked her fingers bloody making necklaces, bracelets, earrings, magnets, knick-knacks, etc, I was left with the all important job of making sure her Diet Coke remained full. It was the best I could do.
Thus, last Saturday we loaded up my Dad's car and headed down near the United Center to set up shop at the "Historic" Plumbers Hall at 1340 W Washington.
It was an eye-opening experience. It really took us to the second day of the event to get a feel for how these things go. Krishni's enthusiasm for the event picked up as the hours rolled by and seemed to really enjoy describing how each individual piece was made while simultaneously scoring email addresses for her mailing list. My job was to make sure kids didn't steal anything off our table and to flirt with old ladies as they strolled by ("My, your hair! What a lovely shade of blue!").
Besides me being immensely proud of my wife for putting it all together (and the subsequent work on her website--coming soon!--and the future millions of dollars her company is sure to rake in) there were a few other highlights. My second favorite moment was when my Taco Bell buddy Kalena came by with her Mom to spend far more money than they should have. Wait, that wasn't may second favorite part. My second favorite part was how it took Kalena .005 seconds to locate the bar in the joint and order a margarita.
However, the unequivical non-Krishni highlight of the weekend came very early on Saturday afternoon. We had been informed beforehand that HGTV was going to be shooting a piece during the market. We didn't know who or what to expect but we did know they'd be there. Anyhow, shortly after the doors opened to the public, while Krishni was still setting up our area, this sizable lady with a camera and lights entourage came bombing up behind me started rifling through the items on the table next to us.
The table was run by a sweet, older black lady who was clearly a veteran of the circuit. She ambled over as the large woman with the camera crew
This chick
picked up a hanging lamp, turned to the camera crew and excitedly said "THIS! This is exactly what I was looking for!" We later found out that the "talent" was a woman from Chicago named Meg Caswell who won a competition on HGTV called "Design Star". Apparently she has a degree in Criminology who went all Martha Stewart and won the Design Star title on HGTV. And, for the purposes of this story, she is not a graceful woman.
As she picked up the lamp and squealed with delight to her crew, the lamp just sort of disintegrated in her hands and shattered on the floor. On camera.
Now, I was sitting about two feet away from Meg when this happened. In fact, a whole bunch of glass hit my foot. Watching all of this, I lowered my head and tried not to fall under the table in a fit of laughter.
I bring this up not just because it was a funny moment in my day; no, I bring this up because I'm 95% certain Krishni was in the shot with the shattered lamp and 100% certain Krishni was in the subsequent reaction shots. If there is a true and just God, Krishni will be on TV along with this woman's increasingly red face.
Meg ended up purchasing the lamp for $50 (after the show I took the lady who ran the table aside and told her she made a major tactical error. When a visibly shaken Meg asked the lady how much the now-shattered lamp was, she received a reply of "$50". But really, had the lady replied "$300", you have to figure Meg would have had to pay it. What was Meg going to do, having been caught on camera shattering the thing? Major mistake by a nice lady) and moved on with her camera crew. Perhaps next time--with any luck--Meg will destroy something Krishni made and we can make a tidy profit.
I'll post any video I can find off the HGTV website.
All in all, it was a fun weekend and we learned an awful lot. We made a few bucks and we've already signed up for the next Randolph Street Market on April 21st and 22nd. Hopefully, that weekend, we can make the several million dollars it will take to keep me busy with monthly Disney World trips.
And then I'll never have to shower again.
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