Breaking News! Mary Kate and Ashley are Racist!

Adorably so:

Pacific Scrimps

Last May, after our ridiculously fantastic wedding, my wife and I went on a Caribbean cruise for our honeymoon.  For 10 days we ate, drank and soaked up the sun.  It was glorious. 

Holland America Line, for those who haven't cruised, caters to an older crowd.  We're talkin' like "blue haired ladies" older.  However, the Godparents had cruised on HAL since the 50's and, as a result, I've built up a little bit of standing with the company.  Kids, you're looking at a HAL Bronze Medallion holder.  Bam!  Anyhow, I have my own personal "Cruise Coordinator", I get nice discounts on future trips and invitations to champagne toasts with the captain and such. 

My cruise coordinator, knowing that I didn't have a foot in the grave, set up my new wife and I at a dinner table with two other younger couples.  One was a pair of Denver cops a few years older than us who loved to drink and had some truly fantastic law enforcement stories.  The other couple was another set of newlyweds from Lawrence, Kansas whose names, jobs and faces escape me at the moment.  Seriously; I ate dinner with these people for 9 straight nights and I don't remember a thing about them.  Guess which couple we enjoyed more? 

The couple from Kansas was actually so forgettable that I couldn't remember their names while we were still on the cruise.  I took to calling them--both to Krishni and the super cops--"Jasmine and Steve" because those were names I could remember.

Anyhow, Jasmine and Steve were, shall I say, "large" in nature.  They, like me, loved to eat.  As a matter of fact, Jasmine was a "food blogger".  Each night, she would awkwardly take photos of her food with the arrival of each new course, provided she remembered to do so.  She lost more than one shot on the cruise because she started tearing into her meal before she remembered to take a photo of it.  I laughed internally because "The fat girl forgot to take a picture before she ate her plate!  Har!"

And I'm a dick.

Why do I bring up a boring story from 10 months ago?  Because last night I had the pleasure of experiencing the new Pacific Shrimp Burrito from Taco Bell.  And I forgot to take a picture before I ate the hell out of that thing.  So this will have to do:

I have news for you:  it was good.  Damn good.  So good, everyone thought, it should not have been from Taco Bell.  A few reviews:

Marc:  "It was light years beyond what I expected."
Krishni:  "I liked the taco better than the burrito." 
Kalena:  "I can't believe that the shrimp are so shrimpy."
Mel:  "It's like they used real shrimp."

Ok, ringing endorsements they are not.  All of the above just suggest shock and awe over the quality of the Taco Bell experience.  What cannot be argued is that this group of seasoned Taco Bell veterans really enjoyed their meal.

The shrimp were juicy and tangy, the crispy strips were, um, crispy and the burrito accoutrement worked just as those rich guys from the commercial said it would.  Seriously, I cannot recommend it enough. 

I have to believe that even Jasmine would approve.

The Best Cover Story Ever?

Today in Sheer Internet Joy

There are things I wish I'd thought of...and there are things that make learning one song on the saxophone totally worth it.

My favorite part is the part with the dolphin.

Google Images = Awesome

At some point, I'm going to stop talking about my blog in my blog and actually, you know, blog about stuff.  But in the meantime, allow me some indulgences.

For instance, in creating a totally rad blog, one needs a catchy title, an mission statement (probably) and a super-cool picture at the top that captures the essence of what the blogger does.  I do have a title; I'm not sure I'd call it "catchy".  I guess if I had to condense my mission statement into one word it would be "burritos".  But "burritos" is not much of a statement so I guess my mission statement would be "Consume burritos".

Mission accomplished.

Which brings us to the super-cool picture.  I want something manly.  But not just manly; the photo needs to be awesomely manly.  Something like, oh, I dunno:  Darth Vader having a light saber/whip fight with Indiana Jones.  If one googles "Darth Vader light saber whip fight Indiana Jones", you are greeted with this image:

That picture theoretically is exactly what I want but for whatever reason, seems so far away from what I need.  Too cartoony?  Not cartoony enough?  I can't quite put my finger on it.

Oddly, when you google "Darth Vader light saber whip fight Indiana Jones", you will also find this image:

See kids?  Bonzer T's Home Skillet is disturbingly PG-13.

I did some more searches for manly pictures, in a desperate attempt to find a blog header-worthy picture:

When I googled "Clark Griswold fighting a grizzly bear" (why not?):

Pretty good.  But clearly not a grizzly bear.

When I googled "Ditka vs God", I found:

I don't find the Levitra Challenge particularly "Manly".

Likewise, when I googled "Viking vs Dinosaur", I got a badass Viking fighting a monocled (for whatever reason) T-Rex:

When I googled "Dark Helmet Politely tells off Lone Star", I found:

Ok, ok, full disclosure: I created that image.

Sadly, the search continues.  If anyone comes up with a super-fantastic photo or drawing, let me know.  I promise I won't let anyone know it was you who found it, thereby assuring confidentiality so that no one--ever--will know you're associated with Bonzer T's Home Skillet.

My Photobucket

I used to keep a fairly inappropriate blog at MySpace back when MySpace mattered.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I was the one that caused the downfall of MySpace simply by joining ("Christ!  Jacklich joined?  Clearly, we're not cool anymore." [gunshot] ).  Keep that in mind if you continue to pester me to join Facebook.  Do you really want me to cost that Zuckerberg guy a billion dollars?  From what I hear, he's absolutely worthy of his fortune and not at all an unethical bastard.

I digress.

Anyhow, at my totally inappropriate blog, I liked to pepper in pictures that illustrated various levels of awesomeness.  Clearly, when you see a photo like Zardoz from "The 'T' is for Terriffic!" post a few days ago, my new blog doesn't fall far from the old blog's tree. 

All it takes to add an illustrated punchline is an account at a photo-linking service.  Sign up and you have the perfect illustration to an imperfect joke.  I use a website called photobucket.  When you find the picture you want from the interwebs, you save it to your photobucket account and then link the photo to your creepy blog.

Since I set up my MySpace blog, my photobucket account has been filled with some seriously random photos.  Consider what follows a photo-essay of my life these last 5 years:

I'm not entirely sure what any of these photos says about me or the company I keep.  But I think we can all agree that a high level of awesomeness was, in fact, achieved.

Well, it's about time...

In a world where people continue to insist that Family Guy is "funny", Mike Judge is finally bringing back the show that started it all:

From the MTV release:

The new show, which debuts later this year, will be very familiar to fans of the Nineties original. "They'll be self-contained segments with the boys in different situations like they used to be," Toffler says. "But this time around, they'll watch Jersey Shore, UFC matches and user-generated videos from YouTube, in addition to music videos." All of the programming will be displayed on the duo's TV, even if it comes from YouTube — "like silly videos of cats playing music."

Beavis and Butt-Head would be in their thirties by now, but they will remain the teenagers they were during the original run. "They'll have the same intelligence," Toffler says. "They're the same boneheads sitting on the same couch, commenting on things through a really simple prism."

This couldn't be more joyous news.  Since all I really do anyway is sit on my couch and bitch about television, it should come as no surprise that I greatly identify with these boys. 

Even if they are a bit misguided.  Because, after all, Metallica really, really sucks.

I've just been informed...

That by "the rules", my wife's porn name is "Minka Sioux".  That's...awesome.

PG-13

As I mentioned in an email I sent to many of you, I'm going to try and keep this blog as PG-13 as possible.  This means less masturbation jokes and more jokes about, I dunno, Care Bears or something ("Hey!  Did you hear the one about the Care Bear that masturbated to death?").  See, that is exactly the kind of content that will  be unwelcome at Bonzer T's Home Skillet.  Probably.

You see, I have this little problem where I just kind of start talking and don't exactly filter what I'm saying.  This often leads to smiles and laughter.  Just as often, it leads to confused, uncomfortable or downright angry looks.  Or punches to the mouth.  I tend to run my mouth at bars, home, Jewel Osco, work, Comiskey, churches, etc...  Just kidding!  I never go to church.  But if I did I would probably run my mouth.

I'm stupid like that.

Anyhow, while I am going to attempt to make this blog a safe haven for the easily offended, I know it won't always turn out so. I guess we should all just consider this your last warning.  I'm going to try to keep all of this very tasteful but, come on...who are we kidding?

The "T" is for Terriffic!

Seriously, it is.

A few folks have asked me what the 'Bonzer T' is about.  Fair question.  The short answer is that it is my video game alias.  Not for cool games where people wear headsets and play Mortal Combat with a friend in Vietnam; I don't have the technological wherewithall to play anything like that.  No, I'm referring to old school games from the N64.  With my super-secret alias, my ninja-like character named 'Bonzer Terriffic' can shoot up Nazis and the Nazis will never know it was actually an unshaven fat guy on a couch wearing only his boxers named 'Mike Jacklich'.  I'm safe from retribution.

The longer answer is that 'Bonzer Terriffic' is my porn alias.

You know that game--Mom, maybe you don't--where you take simple information like your pet's name or your middle name and then tack on the street on which you grew up and that becomes your pornstar name?  I always hated that game.  But then again, I don't like these so called "rules".   I will admit, that sometimes those rules come (har!) up with some pretty wicked adult film names.  I have an ex-girlfriend whose porn name was "Dolly Yukon" by these rules.  That's pretty good.  I have a former friend (he knows what he did) whose name turned out to be "Charles Timberridge".  I would absolutely buy that guy delivering a pizza to a lonely housewife.  Maybe he looks like this:

I always preferred to be a bit more creative when it came to such life long decisions like what your porn name must be.  By the rules, my porn name should have been "Hugh Yackley", which, I must admit, has grown on me.  It's solid.  But it lacks the pizazz necessary for such a career.

Anyhow, many moons ago, in college, I was an underrage drinker at the Outback Steakhouse in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  A few guys in my fraternity worked there so us poor, underage kids could drink beers and order off the childrens menu thereby getting drunk in a public place while spending as little money as possible.  For those unfamiliar with the Outback Steakhouse, it is an Australian themed restaraunt that could be considered the Olive Garden of steakhouses.  You get a decent enough meal but if you're looking for a good steak, you're in the wrong place.  In this instance, "the wrong place" was "Tulsa".  As Tulsa often is. 

On this particular evening, I found myself gazing at the coaster beneath my mug.  Listed on the coaster were a few Australian translations of typical English words.  In this case, the coaster read, "Bonzer = Terriffic".  I turned to my friend Marc (probably he was there...he was always there with me) and said "Bonzer Terriffic would be an excellent porn name".  Or, more likely, I said something like "Boszner Terristific wuld be as awesoms porn num. Hoooooooooo!"

I drank a lot in college.

From this one absolutely forgettable evening, I created a life-long, completely ridiculous alter-ego that is only mentioned within the context of video gaming or the above porn name conversation.  And now, Bonzer Terriffic is the title for my totally rad blog.