Movie Review: Titanic II

There are many reasons I've been accused of being gay.  For instance, my too "familiar" friendship with Marc.  Or the fact that I owned the Into the Woods soundtrack.  Of course there's the whole Gilmore Girls thing.  But back in my college days, the number 1 entry on the "Mike Jacklich Homo" list was my intense passion for all things Titanic.

I've always been fascinated by the story of the Titanic.  What's not to like?  It's the ultimate story of man's hubris vs. nature.  It's a story that features heroism and intense cowardice.  You could argue that the class system ended with Titanic's sinking.  The myths, legends and questions alone make the story fascinating.

This is easy to forget now but up until 1997, the story of the Titanic was simply history.   However, that year James Cameron made a pretty amazing movie that you might have heard of called "Titanic".   That film--and the casting of heart-throb Leonardo DiCaprio--changed the conversation on the sinking from "god-damned amazing history" to "gay balls".  The backlash against Leo amongst straight-identifying males was swift and brutal.  You couldn't like the movie and identify as straight without being called a fag.  At least in my fraternity.

Nevertheless, I've continued to be a student of the disaster and tend to stop and read any story involving the ill-fated trip that I happen across.  In a few weeks, the 100th anniversary of the sinking will arrive so if you haven't yet spotted any of these stories, consider this to be the first of about 12,000.

Because of this passion, when I stumbled across a movie called "Titanic II" in a Netflix search, it took me about .0002 seconds to add that sonuvabitch to my queue.  I just had to wait for the perfect time--and perfect amount of whiskey--to watch it.  As the title of this post may indicate, that time was tonight.

What I'm about to say should not shock you:  Titanic II was not a good movie.  Let's start with the cast.  It was not a good cast.  The most "famous" actor in the movie would likely be Bruce Davison who's best known for being the evil Congressman in X-Men or, uh, the Dad from the Harry and the Hendersons TV show.

 This guy

Other than him, there was no one you'd recognize unless you're a fan of films like "#1 Cheerleading Camp", "Keep it Hairy" or "Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus".

It was a stellar cast

The male lead was played by a guy named Shane Van Dyke but he might as well have been named "Blanthony Michael Ball" because he really, really looks like Anthony Michael Hall...but not the 80's version we all know and love:

Awwww!

Rather the current, bloated version we barely recognize:

Eeeeeewwww

Here he is on the deck of Titanic II with his ladies that, oddly, didn't take off their dresses at any point.  Damn it.:

The movie begins with some dumbass sitting on a surfboard in the water, presumably up by the Arctic Circle, waiting for icebergs to cleave off into the ocean so he can ride the ensuing wave.  Because we all know it's so much better to surf in sub-freezing water than it is to surf in, say, Hawaii.  He rides a wave and is super excited about it until the entire glacier cleaves off which causes a tsunami and the momentary heating of the icy water near his crotch.

For Titanic II, this is a problem.  You see, she just launched out of New York on it's maiden voyage as the most technologically advanced ocean liner on the water.  It is, in fact, "unsinkable".  Where have we heard that before?

Anyhoo, the tsunami pushes an iceberg into the Titanic II's path, crushes half of the lifeboats and pretty much everyone dies.  And again, there was no gratuitous nudity. 

***  Spoiler Alert!  ***

The only survivor of the ordeal is the female lead who, along with Blanthony Michael Ball, made their way to the section of the ship where they keep the scuba equipment and she scuba dives out of the ship with her father...who by the way wasn't even on the ship to begin with as he scuba dived into the ship as it was sinking.  By this point Blanthony has technically drowned but they dragged him to the surface anyway--again while the ship had already slipped beneath the waves and was plummeting to the ocean floor--and she tries to revive him on some sort of raft that happened to have not been swept away by the two tsunamis.  Wait, did I fail to tell you about the second tsunami?  There totally was a second one!

This was a really good movie.

She frantically gives him CPR and all three people remaining in the movie theater expect him at any moment to cough up some water, look up lovingly into the eyes of his rescuer and kiss the female lead while her father looks on in a happy but oddly uncomfortable manner.  Nope.  She gives him CPR for 30 seconds, starts to cry when he doesn't regain consciousness and...the credits roll.

End of movie.

Look, I was drinking whiskey and laughing all throughout the "film" and even I was all like "What the HELL?"

Now, the end of James Cameron's Titanic enrages me too; what the fuck Rose?  You just toss the diamond into the abyss instead of, you know, auctioning it off so you can break ground on the "Jack Dawson School of Art and Sketching Prostitutes" while simultaneously taking financial care of your granddaugther who--by the way--has been caring for your ancient, crusty vagina?  And don't even get me started on how the pictures that the old bitch travels with--"I flew a plane!  I was an actress!  I rode a horse like a man!"--give the impression that somehow all 1,517 deaths were worthwhile.  Jesus. 

With Titanic II, I wanted some sort of payoff.  Maybe a hug from her Seal Team 6 Dad or the SS Californian finally making it to the rescue scene (ok, that was a really obscure joke about the original Titanic disaster.  You can read up here if you care).

Yes, some sort of payoff to make the movie worthwhile.  Instead, I was left with no real ending and absolutely no gratuitous nudity.

Advantage: James Cameron.

Today in Sheer Internet Joy

Sorry I haven't been blogging much...I know you have to be curious about the amount of Taco Bell I've eaten, whiskey I've dranken, times I've touched myself, etc.  Trust me, those updates will be coming shortly.  Perhaps as soon as this crazy weekend gets itself over with as well as the first couple of days of next week.  So, say, we'll reconvene here on Wednesday/Thursday?  How does that sound?

In the meantime, I present to you two of the best examples of why the internet is the most important development of my lifetime.  I proudly give you:  Axl Rose, Hungry Time Traveler:

And One Tiny Hand:

At long last: The Doritos Locos Taco

This will not come as a shock to you, loyal reader, but this Taco Bell item made our dedicated group a little crazy.  Kalena and I texted back and forth on a daily basis--often two or three times a day--on the week leading up to our taco date and I sent a text to Mel in France bemoaning that she couldn't be with us.  She replied with "I'm not kidding when I say that missing this taco makes me as sad as missing the birth of my friend's child."  I'm not even a big Doritos fan but the sheer novelty of the thing gave me a Taco Bell Fire sauce boner (note:  do not attempt to use Taco Bell Fire sauce as a lube.  Trust me on this).

Honestly, I can't believe it took us a full week after the taco premeired in Chicago to make our way to Wrigleyville to sample the damn thing.  I'm truly, truly sorry about the delay, Taco Bell.

Speaking of delays, I'm also sorry it took me as long as it did to pound out this post.  My kick-ass wife was the official photographer of the trip and took all the pictures on her iPhone.  However, a few days ago, she and I made the switch to the iPhone 4S and she had some trouble moving the photos from one phone to the next.  The good news is that if you own an iPhone 4S as well, we can call each other and use the "Face Time" video chat.  Because we all know, when you want to talk to me, you want to be able to see me shirtless, pantsless and unshowered.

Anyhow, Kalena, Marc (her Marc, not my Marc), Brad, Krishni and I made our way to Addison and Clark last Monday for cheesey glory.  We all ordered different variations of the thing: Brad got the "Dinner Box", I got mine without sour cream, Marc bought 4 of the damn things, etc and we sat down at an abnormally busy Bell to sample the glorious fare.  Now, I may be saying this as a Taco Bell geek so you may want to take this with a shit-ton of sodium but it was awesome.  Like, fantastically super-charged "I want seven right now" awesome.  Some photos (we did have a few action shots of me eating the tacos but sadly they were lost when we swapped phones.  However, since you likely didn't need to see me with orange-dust covered fingers and Taco Bell "beef" stuck between my teeth, I'm not sure this is for the best anyway):

Yes, this was my favorite new Taco Bell item in many moons.  While we ate the hell out of it, we discussed what the future of Taco Bell might hold for us.  They might as well double-down on theme and get a Frito shell ASAP.  Kalena wants them to do other Doritos flavors, specifically the old-school "Taco Flavored" chips...remember those?

I feel that would be a bit redundant but why not do a shell in the "Spicy Nacho" genre? 

As long as they stay away from the whole "Cool Ranch" thing, I'll be a happy guy.  Because that is one Taco Bell item that I will NOT be sampling.  Ever.

********

I feel that in a day and age where a company like Whole Foods can exist and thrive--an age where freshness is important to consumers and ingredients matter--it has become "cool" to rip down Taco Bell because Taco Bell does not care about such things.  The Bell wants to use a "mostly beef" mixture and churn out as many tacos as possible to it's drunken fan base. 

You know what?  I'm ok with that.  Taco Bell is what it is and it's not pretending to be any different.  You want to get on your high horse and make fun of the Bell?  You can do so without me because fuck you. 

This taco was not only fun but really, really good.  The only thing I did not like about the experience was the girl behind the counter refused to make me a double-decker Doritos Locos taco.  I was even going to ask her to put on that "Volcano Sauce" that they like to use but figured it would have further confused her. 

In the interest of full disclosure, I feel this should be noted.  This may have resulted because of the Taco Bell experience or the eight Jack n' Cokes I had after at Sluggers but the next day I felt like I was shitting fire.  I'd like to think it was a combination of the liquor and coming down from the natural high of watching the Bulls beat the Knicks but I'm willing to admit it might have been, say, 10% Taco Bell's fault. 

Please don't let that stop you from trying the sheer awesomeness that is the Doritos Locos Taco.  But, you know, consider yourself warned. 

I'm just mere hours away...

...from injecting this mayhem directly into my intestines:

For those that value their bowel movements more than I do, that is the "Doritos Locos Taco" from Taco Bell.  As many of you know, I am involved in an unofficial club of ne'er-do-wells who make a run for the border any time The Bell has a new item.  This item, in particular, has been captured in our dreams and nightmares for well over a year.  You see, my friend Kalena has a cousin that actually shoots Taco Bell commercials.  As such, we tend to hear about the new items long before they actually hit the market.  And ever since we've heard about this one, our curiosity has been, um, salivating. And buying Pepto-Bismol. 

So, in less than three hours, Krishni, Kalena, Brad and I--and a few other intrepid adventurers--will make the long journey on the #22 Clark Bus to the Wrigleyville Taco Bell.  We will smell the fried "beef", consume too many of these damn things and gleefully lick the orange dust off our fingers. 

We'll deal with the repercussions later.

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Tomorrow:  Photos!  Reviews!  Hangovers! 

Let's talk Harry Potter or "Why I think Ron Weasley is a useless, terrified pussy"

Over the last few weeks, Krishni and I have methodically knocked out the entire Harry Potter series thanks to a combination of DVD's, HBO and Amazon Unbox.  Isn't technology cool?  Krishni and I will never be considered hard core fans.  She's never read the books; I only read the first two and found them to be poorly written.  I've been told that the Brit who wrote the books became a better writer as the series went on but like I'm going to invest 7,000 pages of my time in anything unless it was written by Shelby Foote, especially if it kind of sucks.

Rest in Peace, my good man

Over the course of the, what, 8 movies, Ron goes from being a mischievous, studly little boy ("I'll be the knight!") to "The guy who got out-manly-ed by his little sister".

"I'm Ginny Fucking Weasley"

Seriously.  A simple Google search for "Ron Weasley Terrified" locates many, many fan photos--some with unfunny captions--of Ron pissing his pants:

Ahhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

 Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

 Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

ARRRRRGGAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Honestly, I'm not sure what Hermione saw in him.  

Now, to be fair, I'm a bit more harsh on the guy than just about anyone I know.  Krishni doesn't think he's as useless as I do and my dear friends and Harry Potter aficionados Mel and Amber expressed a similar sentiment.  After all, he did survive the entire series and stood by his pal Harry through thick and thin; except for, you know, those entire sequences during the films where he abandoned his friend to go cry in a corner somewhere.  

Of course, you may be saying something like "But Mike, in those photos above he is clearly running from danger or, you know, he has a spider on his head."  True.  Ron did go along on most of the adventures and did, in fact, have more than one spider on his head.  But you know who else constantly stared down death, fought in the wizarding war and battled terrifying creatures and giant spiders?  Everyone else in the freaking series. 

Even awkward homeboy Neville Longbottom--the butt of many jokes through the first half of the series--pulls it together to save the day on more than one occasion.  

 Pictured:  Bravery Personified

All that and he bangs that freaky--and I don't mean that in a bad way--Luna chick.  I know that there was a rumor going around that he was actually the chosen one and that he would be the one to ultimately take down the dark lord but didn't he sort of do that?  Worse case scenario he splits the victory with Harry, right?  Maybe 70/30?  

Look, I'm sure that Ron came off better in the books--anyone that has heard me bitch about the middle third of the series knows that I feel an awful lot was left out of the movies in the interest of time--but seeing how I've never actually read these books, Ron comes off as a total wuss.  And we know who wears the pants in his marriage.

Hermione totally could have done better.  

Much better