Playboy Live Chats with Madison Lee!

Editors note:  In a continuing effort to properly honor my old MySpace blog, I am reposting some of my old posts to the Homeskillet.  I am concerned that the posts from the old blog will completely disappear into the internet ether if I don't, partly because the posts have already disappeared once now, and partly because I'm convinced--and a little shocked that it hasn't already happened--that MySpace will just shut down one day leaving thousands and thousands of gratuitous F-bombs without a home.

Originally Posted February 24th, 2009

A few months ago at the Rabbit, my supervisor trained me on our Live Chat system. If people want to cancel their subscription or if they simply have a question about a product, we offer many ways to contact us.  Obviously, we are an incoming call center but other options do exist: we answer e-mails within 24 hours and for those that simply can't wait that long, we offer the above-mentioned online chat available between 10 am and 7:30 pm CST.   

Of course, because we are Playboy and want to play into the customer's fantasies a bit while simultaneously protecting us from stalkers, we all use psuedonyms when answering emails or working the live chats.  And us guys have to have "sexy lady" names.  These names can be funny--my favorite is "Dixie Carmichael"--but they always have to fall on the "sexy" side of things.  "Ursula Jacklichowitz", for instance, just wouldn't do.  My pseudonym is "Madison Lee", which I later found out was also being used by a porn star.  This girl:

See the resemblance? 

The pseudonyms are best for all involved because when a gentleman contacts us to recover his password, it's best that he thinks he's talking to this girl:

 

Rather than this guy:

 So...do you want me to take off my shirt or something?

It is perhaps because of this little deception that sometimes a guy pops into our chats expecting service that is a little more, shall we say, hands-on than the services we typically offer.  This can lead to some confusion and, often, hilarity.  I should state for the record that I think this is hilarious; some of the females that I work with admittedly don't find this behavior as funny as I do.  

Now, before you read the following and assume that everyone who enters our chat forum is a creepy pervert who lives in a hunting cabin and owns a windowless van, let me say that most of the folks who chat with us are good, polite people who merely want to immediately and angrily masturbate a question answered.  But admittedly, we do get the occasional horny fellow that for whatever reason, thinks an actual, naked Playmate is working the technical helpdesk:

"First, slowly take off your shirt, run your hands down your chest and tell me how you want me to instruct you towards the home screen, tap 'Settings', and then tap 'Safari'.  Then sexily look towards the bottom of Safari's settings screen, tap 'Clear Cookies' and 'Clear Cache'. Confirm when prompted before showing me what your cock is made of." 

 

Below you will find some actual chats, from actual customers, that I've had to personally deal with.

Madison: Hello! What can I do for you today?

Horny Fellow #1: hey sexy lady

Horny Fellow #1: wil you fuck me

Madison: Uh, no.

Horny Fellow #1: why not

Madison: But if there is something website related I can help you with, I would be happy to do so.

Madison: This is not the kind of chat you're looking for, sir.

Horny Fellow #1: ok

Madison: We're a help desk for Playboy.com.

Horny Fellow #1: help me

Madison: No.

Horny Fellow #1: can you help me

Horny Fellow #1: please

Madison: It all depends on what kind of help you need. Is there anything website related I can help you with? Otherwise, I will have to end this chat.

Horny Fellow #1: fuck me you bitch

Madison: Well, sir, that is no way to speak to a lady.

Sometimes, however, these guys need a good kick in the ass:

Madison: Hello, Horny Fellow #2!  How may I assist you today?

Horny Fellow #2: I want to suck your tits

Madison: I don't think you do.  I'm a dude.

I've said it before, I'll say it again:  what an amazingly strange way to make a living.