Sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports....

"Marge, Bart gets to ride up front today because he's a good guy at sports." 
                                                                      --Homer Simpson

Now, while Homer may have been talking about hockey--hockey still is technically a sport, right?--his point remains:  sports are awesome. 

I've sort of been puttering around the house muttering Homer's sports chant these last few weeks because all sorts of sporty-type events have transpired.  Notre Dame is back playing football with the first defense that I've looked forward to trotting out in, what, 18 years?  The NFL is back and while I am a Bears fan in name only, NFL games this year have been a riot to watch because of those pesky refs that last refereed during the Central Michigan/Southern Alabama game.  Also, not to be forgotten but the Chicago White Sox are--as I type this--still in first place.  However, I'm willing to admit that by the time you read this, my beloved Sox will be in first place no more.  Sigh.

But it's not just that stuff.  Except for the whole refereeing debacle, all this stuff happens most Octobers.  You know what doesn't happen most Octobers?  This:

Isn't it glorious?  Ok, a little background.  I have this wicked-awesome friend named Kalena.  Seriously, she's one of my favorite people ever.  Up there with Abraham Lincoln, Peter North and Carlton Fisk.  She's always super-positive--unless she's talking about James Franco, ovens or (for whatever reason) Tom Hanks--and whenever I have a totally dumb idea like "We should have a night where we play Disney music and drink Mai Tai's and rent a mouse and a duck and make them act out Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck skits" she always says something like "That's an AMAZING idea!"  She's wonderful.  

Kalena, seen here in the shadow of my trophy, being awesome.

But she's also a dirty Michigan fan.  Now, it's not all her fault.  I mean, she went to Ann Arbor intentionally to learn readin' an writin' and 'rithmatic but she's not the total moron that you would expect.  She somehow climbed above the stereotype and became a honest, decent, intelligent person.  

Last year, we were watching the Notre Dame/Michigan tilt and--whilst drinking, of course--came up with the daft idea that we should watch the series together every year and that maybe we could find a trophy to pass back and forth, depending on the winner.  This is where drunken ideas tend to go off the rails but she has this theatre tech boyfriend and when he heard about the idea, he said "Yes.  Yes, we should do that."  So, Marc set about brainstorming some kind of trophy that he could build and, over the course of the year, Kalena and I pestered him enough that he built the damn thing. 

Look at the fine craftsmanship involved.  He took a standard trophy for, weight lifting, probably, and added another trophy to it.  Because, why not?

Then, he found some old "Starting Lineup" football action figures, painted them in the manner of the Irish and Wolverine colors and glued them to the sides and top of the trophy.

Rarrrr!

 Then, he topped the trophy with a few more starting Lineup action figures...

...and, because he knows us, he made the damn thing light up:

It'll orb through green, red, blue, purple, etc all while I giggle and clap my hands.

And that's it.  Just kidding!  Marc took a step back, looked at his creation, and asked, "How can I make this trophy more obnoxious?

So, this past Saturday, I found myself surrounded by a group of friends and dirty Michigan fans at Matilda's, the Michigan bar of choice.  Because Notre Dame lost a sizable fourth quarter lead last year and lost, I had to watch at an "away" bar.  And boy was this game awful.  At one point, Michigan had 5 consecutive passes picked off by the Notre Dame D.  Not sure I've  ever seen that before.  On the ND side, the very first pass of the game was picked off and then our Frosh quarterback through an awful, awful interception into a crowd in the end zone from the 10 yard line.  It was an ugly start.

However, we settled down after inserting our backup QB and the Irish squeaked out a 13-6 victory.  A victory, I might add, that was made all the more sweet by the fact that I could lift an amazing trophy over my head and blast an air horn over and over again to the chagrin of the clientele at Matilda's.  

It was fun.  We walked around that neighborhood blasting the air horn and I was sort of a mini-celebrity.  Folks asked about the trophy and a few wanted to take a picture with it.  Good times.  

Kalena was an amazingly good sport through it all.  But while I tried not to be super obnoxious, did I mention that I had an air horn?  I just hope that I haven't made her hate list.  It'd be awful to someday end up on the same "must be destroyed list" as ovens and Tom Hanks. 

At long last: The Doritos Locos Taco

This will not come as a shock to you, loyal reader, but this Taco Bell item made our dedicated group a little crazy.  Kalena and I texted back and forth on a daily basis--often two or three times a day--on the week leading up to our taco date and I sent a text to Mel in France bemoaning that she couldn't be with us.  She replied with "I'm not kidding when I say that missing this taco makes me as sad as missing the birth of my friend's child."  I'm not even a big Doritos fan but the sheer novelty of the thing gave me a Taco Bell Fire sauce boner (note:  do not attempt to use Taco Bell Fire sauce as a lube.  Trust me on this).

Honestly, I can't believe it took us a full week after the taco premeired in Chicago to make our way to Wrigleyville to sample the damn thing.  I'm truly, truly sorry about the delay, Taco Bell.

Speaking of delays, I'm also sorry it took me as long as it did to pound out this post.  My kick-ass wife was the official photographer of the trip and took all the pictures on her iPhone.  However, a few days ago, she and I made the switch to the iPhone 4S and she had some trouble moving the photos from one phone to the next.  The good news is that if you own an iPhone 4S as well, we can call each other and use the "Face Time" video chat.  Because we all know, when you want to talk to me, you want to be able to see me shirtless, pantsless and unshowered.

Anyhow, Kalena, Marc (her Marc, not my Marc), Brad, Krishni and I made our way to Addison and Clark last Monday for cheesey glory.  We all ordered different variations of the thing: Brad got the "Dinner Box", I got mine without sour cream, Marc bought 4 of the damn things, etc and we sat down at an abnormally busy Bell to sample the glorious fare.  Now, I may be saying this as a Taco Bell geek so you may want to take this with a shit-ton of sodium but it was awesome.  Like, fantastically super-charged "I want seven right now" awesome.  Some photos (we did have a few action shots of me eating the tacos but sadly they were lost when we swapped phones.  However, since you likely didn't need to see me with orange-dust covered fingers and Taco Bell "beef" stuck between my teeth, I'm not sure this is for the best anyway):

Yes, this was my favorite new Taco Bell item in many moons.  While we ate the hell out of it, we discussed what the future of Taco Bell might hold for us.  They might as well double-down on theme and get a Frito shell ASAP.  Kalena wants them to do other Doritos flavors, specifically the old-school "Taco Flavored" chips...remember those?

I feel that would be a bit redundant but why not do a shell in the "Spicy Nacho" genre? 

As long as they stay away from the whole "Cool Ranch" thing, I'll be a happy guy.  Because that is one Taco Bell item that I will NOT be sampling.  Ever.

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I feel that in a day and age where a company like Whole Foods can exist and thrive--an age where freshness is important to consumers and ingredients matter--it has become "cool" to rip down Taco Bell because Taco Bell does not care about such things.  The Bell wants to use a "mostly beef" mixture and churn out as many tacos as possible to it's drunken fan base. 

You know what?  I'm ok with that.  Taco Bell is what it is and it's not pretending to be any different.  You want to get on your high horse and make fun of the Bell?  You can do so without me because fuck you. 

This taco was not only fun but really, really good.  The only thing I did not like about the experience was the girl behind the counter refused to make me a double-decker Doritos Locos taco.  I was even going to ask her to put on that "Volcano Sauce" that they like to use but figured it would have further confused her. 

In the interest of full disclosure, I feel this should be noted.  This may have resulted because of the Taco Bell experience or the eight Jack n' Cokes I had after at Sluggers but the next day I felt like I was shitting fire.  I'd like to think it was a combination of the liquor and coming down from the natural high of watching the Bulls beat the Knicks but I'm willing to admit it might have been, say, 10% Taco Bell's fault. 

Please don't let that stop you from trying the sheer awesomeness that is the Doritos Locos Taco.  But, you know, consider yourself warned. 

I'm just mere hours away...

...from injecting this mayhem directly into my intestines:

For those that value their bowel movements more than I do, that is the "Doritos Locos Taco" from Taco Bell.  As many of you know, I am involved in an unofficial club of ne'er-do-wells who make a run for the border any time The Bell has a new item.  This item, in particular, has been captured in our dreams and nightmares for well over a year.  You see, my friend Kalena has a cousin that actually shoots Taco Bell commercials.  As such, we tend to hear about the new items long before they actually hit the market.  And ever since we've heard about this one, our curiosity has been, um, salivating. And buying Pepto-Bismol. 

So, in less than three hours, Krishni, Kalena, Brad and I--and a few other intrepid adventurers--will make the long journey on the #22 Clark Bus to the Wrigleyville Taco Bell.  We will smell the fried "beef", consume too many of these damn things and gleefully lick the orange dust off our fingers. 

We'll deal with the repercussions later.

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Tomorrow:  Photos!  Reviews!  Hangovers! 

Odd and Ends from my Mind Grapes

1)  The poll has been reposted and so far and, with just one vote, I'm winning.  I'm glad I voted with me.

2)  I wore my 'God is Awesome' t-shirt to work today.  I get some pretty funny looks when I'm out and about in Chicago wearing this shirt; people can never quite get a bead on what I'm thinking.  It's no different at the Rabbit.  While most folks get it, some people really don't know how to talk to me.  He works at a place where there are naked ladies.  But he's wearing that shirt!  I don't know what to say to him.  Crap!  He's coming over here!  Um, ummmmm..."You know what else is awesome?  Tits." 

3)  That said, I really need to stop wearing this shirt out in the suburbs.  Last time I wore it out there, I got stopped twice at Home Depot, the last guy grabbing my shoulder and saying "I'm happy a young fella like yourself is so proud to wear that shirt and believes in the lord Jesus Christ!"  Uh, hallelujah? 

4)  I got some pretty amazing news yesterday.  My sister and brother-in-law--Diana and Rick--recently moved their family from Evanston, IL to Denver, CO.  While this did technically rip our new godson away from Krishni and me:

Pictured:  Luca the Destroyer

This did bring some fantastic information to light.  Has anyone ever seen that episode of South Park called "Casa Bonita"?:

Apparently, it's a real damn place:

Words cannot express how excited I am about this development.  They really do have cliff divers (sullen cliff divers, as my brother-in-law explains), strolling mariachi players, fire jugglers, Black Bart's Cave and "world famous" sopaipillas.  With honey. 

I immediately texted Rick about his blog post and demanded--in no uncertain terms--that he take us to Casa Bonita when we arrive for a visit in Denver. Like, "take-us-there-the-second-our-wheels-touch-down-at-the-airport" take us there. 

5)  Speaking of "Mexican" food, Kalena and I hit Taco Bell for the new item yesterday:  The Beefy Melt Burrito:

It was pretty good, especially for 99 cents.  But it really was the Beefy Crunch Burrito from a few weeks ago, minus the Fritos.  And the Fritos were the best part.  We do believe, however, that this will tide us over until the gleefully anticipated arrival of the Doritos Locos Taco. 

6)  Finally, a public service announcement:  For any of my peers that is a new parent or is thinking about becoming a new parent (Don't!  There's still time to do all that stuff you wanted to do!  Start a band!  Write a book!  Live you life!), Rick's blog is a must read.  You can find it at http://hamanneggs.blogspot.com/.  It's fabulously entertaining and contains some pretty fantastic information with which we can later blackmail my nephews.  Plus, the kids are super cute:

Fat

I wouldn't say I'm on a diet.  That would require effort.  No, what I'm on is sort of a gradual (ok, minimal) change in lifestyle that has happened to result in me dropping a few pounds.  My wife sneaks vegetables into my dinners, I'm eating less crap and the only thing I typically eat before dinner is a couple of bowls of cereal at work.  It has actually been quite painless.

However...

I went a bit off the rails this week.  Anyone who knows anything about me knows I dig novelty.  Pretty much whenever a fast food restaurant comes out with a new item, I really, really need to eat it.  I'm stupid like that.  As a matter of fact, I have a standing date with my friend Kalena to go and get the new Taco Bell item whenever it comes out.  We haven't yet named our awesome club but over the years we've picked up a few intrepid members:  Krishni, Mel, Brad, Marc...that's Kalena's Marc, not my buddy Marc.  Although he did join us once which resulted in a pretty wicked case of food poisoning after the XXL Double Beef Chalupa experience; but we all ate the same thing and none of us got sick.  Funny, that.  I think he just didn't want join us anymore.  I really don't blame him; the Chalupa itself was pretty gross.  I mean, look at this thing!  Gross, right?:

Where was I?  Ah, yes, fast food novelty.  Last night we all convened at the Wrigleyville Taco Bell (motto: "20% more expensive than any other Taco Bell") for the new item:  The Cheesy Double Decker Taco.

First of all, a review:  It was goooooood.  You see, what makes this different from a standard Double Decker Taco is instead of a layer of beans fusing the soft shell to the hard shell, there is now an added layer of nacho cheese oozing out the sides.  That's the only difference.  I mean, what do you want?  There's only so many ways you can combine the same 8 ingredients.  Until they introduce chorizo--Please Taco Bell!  Bring us chorizo!--we're working with a limited color pallet. 

Now onto the problem:  Sure, I could have had just one of these things.  But instead, I had two.  And a shrimp taco.  As the ad says up top, "Get twice the taco".  Does that mean I had a taco to the 5th power?  I dunno but it felt good.  For a while.

So a scant 5 days after the White Sox/Bulls bender, I had a little Taco Bell extravaganza.  Big deal, right?  Well, that would be the case if only I hadn't eaten one of these over the previous 36 hours:

Yes; for those of you concerned about my heart, that is sausage, pepperoni and bacon stuffed and baked with a shitload of cheese into the crust of this Pizza Hut monstrosity.  Let's ignore for a moment that is was pretty good.  This pizza is the definition of American excess.  This pizza is one of the main reasons folks in the Middle East hate us.  This pizza is the reason my lungs almost exploded when I had to run 2 blocks at a full sprint to catch my bus this morning. 

I think it's best that I lay off the crap for a while.  My body deserves it.

Pacific Scrimps

Last May, after our ridiculously fantastic wedding, my wife and I went on a Caribbean cruise for our honeymoon.  For 10 days we ate, drank and soaked up the sun.  It was glorious. 

Holland America Line, for those who haven't cruised, caters to an older crowd.  We're talkin' like "blue haired ladies" older.  However, the Godparents had cruised on HAL since the 50's and, as a result, I've built up a little bit of standing with the company.  Kids, you're looking at a HAL Bronze Medallion holder.  Bam!  Anyhow, I have my own personal "Cruise Coordinator", I get nice discounts on future trips and invitations to champagne toasts with the captain and such. 

My cruise coordinator, knowing that I didn't have a foot in the grave, set up my new wife and I at a dinner table with two other younger couples.  One was a pair of Denver cops a few years older than us who loved to drink and had some truly fantastic law enforcement stories.  The other couple was another set of newlyweds from Lawrence, Kansas whose names, jobs and faces escape me at the moment.  Seriously; I ate dinner with these people for 9 straight nights and I don't remember a thing about them.  Guess which couple we enjoyed more? 

The couple from Kansas was actually so forgettable that I couldn't remember their names while we were still on the cruise.  I took to calling them--both to Krishni and the super cops--"Jasmine and Steve" because those were names I could remember.

Anyhow, Jasmine and Steve were, shall I say, "large" in nature.  They, like me, loved to eat.  As a matter of fact, Jasmine was a "food blogger".  Each night, she would awkwardly take photos of her food with the arrival of each new course, provided she remembered to do so.  She lost more than one shot on the cruise because she started tearing into her meal before she remembered to take a photo of it.  I laughed internally because "The fat girl forgot to take a picture before she ate her plate!  Har!"

And I'm a dick.

Why do I bring up a boring story from 10 months ago?  Because last night I had the pleasure of experiencing the new Pacific Shrimp Burrito from Taco Bell.  And I forgot to take a picture before I ate the hell out of that thing.  So this will have to do:

I have news for you:  it was good.  Damn good.  So good, everyone thought, it should not have been from Taco Bell.  A few reviews:

Marc:  "It was light years beyond what I expected."
Krishni:  "I liked the taco better than the burrito." 
Kalena:  "I can't believe that the shrimp are so shrimpy."
Mel:  "It's like they used real shrimp."

Ok, ringing endorsements they are not.  All of the above just suggest shock and awe over the quality of the Taco Bell experience.  What cannot be argued is that this group of seasoned Taco Bell veterans really enjoyed their meal.

The shrimp were juicy and tangy, the crispy strips were, um, crispy and the burrito accoutrement worked just as those rich guys from the commercial said it would.  Seriously, I cannot recommend it enough. 

I have to believe that even Jasmine would approve.