Schadenfreude

Yesterday afternoon, I called my amazing wife on my cellphone telephone and asked if I could have my best man, Brad, over to watch a plethora of baseball games on her almost-as-equally amazing HD TV.  For those not with their ear to the ground on the world of sports, there were four Major League baseball games on last night--all at the same time--that directly impacted the playoffs.  This was extra-cool because it was the last day of the regular season.  Just like my fantasy baseball season the week before, it all came down to the 162nd game.  The Boston Red Sox were tied with the Tampa Bay Rays for the American League Wild Card spot.  Tampa was hosting the Yankees and a bunch of ass-bag Boston fans had invaded Camden Yards in Baltimore.

Also, the St. Louis Cardinals and the Atlanta Braves were in an identical situation over in the National League; they were tied with each other after 161 games and playing in separate cities.  This was going to be epic.

I ordered cheap pizzas and Brad and I settled in to watch what turned out to be 5 full hours of baseball.  It was awesome.

Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about the good people of Boston.  Wait, did I say "good"?  I meant "racist" and "arrogant" and "dickish".  I don't even care if that's not a word.  People from Boston are dicks. This clearly makes them dickish.

Last night turned out to be the single most exciting, enthralling and shocking night of baseball I have ever had the pleasure to witness in my life.  I needed that.  My beloved White Sox were, in a word, "shitty" this season.  If I couldn't take joy in my White Sox, I needed some MLB excitement somewhere, right?

As an added bonus, I really, really hate the Red Sox.  It is funny, however, that back in 2004 I was absolutely pulling for them against the Yankees.  Historically, the Red Sox have been like the Cubs: always the bridesmaid.  Before 2004, they hadn't won a World Series in 86 years.  Two generations of "Sawx" fans had grown up never knowing the rush of a World Series title.  At the time, the White Sox hadn't won themselves in 87 years so I could absolutely identify with these fellow Irish Cat'lics from the East coast.  When they took down the Yanks that year, I celebrated with them.  That beleaguered city deserved that title.

But then a funny thing happened: their other teams also started getting good.  Pretty boy Tom Brady and the New England Patriots already had a couple of rings on their fingers by that point but then they won it all again in 2004.  Then the Celtics won a title.  Then the Red Sox won again.  Then the Bruins won a title, if we're to count hockey as a sport. 

Suddenly, this depressed fan base started getting cocky.  Fans started invading other teams ball parks with their obnoxious accents and self-entitled attitude.  They started to expect to win and when their teams didn't, it was always because of a ref, or a bad bounce, or because of an injury.

Or this

When the Red Sox signed the best outfielder on the market this past off season, Carl Crawford, for $135 million dollars AND traded for the best first baseman on the market, Adrian Gonzalez (who subsequently signed a $148 million dollar contract himself), Sawx fans were already reserving spots on some piss-covered Boston street for the World Series Championship parade.  These entitled bastards were already talking shit...not about if they were going to win the World Series but about how many wins they would collect along the way.  It was maddening.

Fortunately, sports has a funny way of making the world a better place.  The Red Sox started the season 2-12 and ended the season with a 7-20 record in September.  Sure, in between, they were the best team in baseball but at the start of game 162, they were merely tied for the Wild Card lead. 

Last night, the Red Sox lost on a walk-off hit in Baltimore.  Four minutes later--before many of the Red Sox players even had the chance to retreat to the visitor's clubhouse in defeat--Evan Longoria of the Tampa Bay Rays hit a walk-off home run of his own to lift the Rays to victory.  The Rays were going to Texas for the playoffs.  The Red Sox?  Let's not feel too bad for them; they likely went home to groupies and millions of dollars and (I'm assuming) drug problems.  But they weren't going to the Playoffs. 

Loveable Lisa Simpson once defined the concept of "Schadenfreude" as "shameful joy". While that may not be the literal translation according to many German people with anger problems, it would certainly fit how I feel about last night's Red Sox loss.  That is to say, if I were to feel any amount of shame at all in my joy.

Seriously.  Screw those guys.  I guess a $160 million payroll just doesn't buy what it used to. 

All it really bought was karma. 

Bwaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!

Blog Traffic

Like any mildly narcissistic dude, I occasionally crave a little attention.  I say "mildly" because I'm definitely not an attention seeker.  In fact, when the focus of an event is entirely on me, I get a little uncomfortable.  That is why I loved sharing birthday parties with my old roommate Mel, but have not hosted such an event since she and I parted ways.  Turtle Races will do just fine for my birthday, thank you very much.  I do still love receiving gifts, however.  **cough, cough--October 23rd--cough cough**

Being mildly narcissistic is also why I don't have a Facebook page, so you can stop asking.  When I first started my MySpace page as a means to keep in touch with my old Steppenwolf pals, I became obsessed--as many people do--with gaining "friends".  A few months in, I looked over my "friends" list and found dozens of folks--sorority girls from Tulsa who didn't like me even then, guys from my dorm freshman year I hadn't spoken to since freshman year, acquaintances from the theatre world I had shared beers with once--and realized I didn't actually like any of these people on any level.  So I sheared my friends list from triple digits to something like 60.  I didn't care if these folks read the latest dick joke on my totally inappropriate MySpace blog.  I didn't need them.  I'm uncomplicated like that.  Coincidentally, shortly after I met my future wife, I stopped going to MySpace altogether. 

However, I found I did miss blogging and that I craved the digital attention that came along with it from the people I did care about.  On this blogger, you can track how many people view a certain post and from what section of the world they viewed the content from.  It's kind of cool to see someone in Germany access the blog.  Conversely, it terrifies me when someone from India looks at the blog...I just know it's some disapproving relative of Krishni's that is making a list of all the many things wrong with me to present to my Father-in-law upon my first visit to his home town.

I have to come to realize, though, that visitors to my blog are not always arriving at my blog intentionally.  Sometimes it's just a misfired Google search.  I do use a lot of random photos pulled off the internet that I'm sure folks are now pulling off my blog to use.  This can skew the results of the "pageviews today" section of my stat sheet. 

There have been 4 posts where I saw a sudden and dramatic jump in the number of page views, and the last one troubles me:

1)  My very first blog post.  This makes sense since I sent a link to just about everyone with whom I'm still in touch. 

2)  The post about my Mother's memorial service.  Again, I forwarded this one to many people, and quite a few folks from the Benet community passed it along the network.

3)  My recent post about the check I sent to Mary Kate's Dad for the Notre Dame tickets.  This one baffled me.  Within an hour, my stat sheet blew up with about 20 pageviews.  And that number kept ticking up.  This is still my most "popular" posting.  I liked that post very much so the results pleased me to no end until my much-smarter-than-me wife pointed out that people were likely just doing desperate google searches for "Notre Dame Tickets".  Damn it.  They must have been crushed when their searches took them to a blog that can best be described as "Meh". 

Which brings us to what troubles me:

4)  Last week's post about the obnoxious "child porn" caller I kept getting here at the Rabbit. 

This troubles me for many reasons.  First off, the level of the spike was kind of insane.  I posted that story shortly before I left work (about 4pm CST) and when I checked in later that night, there were something like 30 pageviews.  Again, I initially said "Huzzah!"  Posts about the insanity of my work--even dating back to my totally inappropriate blog on MySpace--always seemed to generate traffic.  People loved passing those types of posts onto their friends with email subject lines like "See?  Your shit job could be worse!" and "I told you 29 months of unemployment wasn't so bad!" 

But the more I thought about it--and the more I stared at the "viewed countries" on the audience map section of the stats sheet--the more I kept coming back to one thought:  "What if people were just googling "child porn" and it brought them to my blog?" 

Even now I'm thinking about what kind of sickos are in Russia

Of course, this then conjures the next thought:  "Huh.  If pedophiles are finding their way to my blog, so is the FBI."

Krishni will tell you this:  when I got home that night after talking to that sicko, I had trouble with it.  I rarely carry my work home with me--in my "profession" you have to be able to laugh heartily at this type of stuff--but something about that caller really got to me.  Maybe it's because I have 9 nieces and nephews or that I am Godfather to two of them or that all of my friends are pushing out babies at a frightening pace...I dunno.  But I spent that evening trying to work it out in my brain why that caller disturbed me so.  Eventually, I just drank a bunch of vodka, killed things on a civilization game on my computer and hugged it out with my wife. 

Of course, maybe--just maybe--I was bothered by the fact that somewhere in the back of my mind I knew the FBI was at that very moment parking a surveillance van outside my condo.  If so, they are going to be bored to tears for however long they have to maintain their vigil.

 "Dear God.  How may episodes of Tosh.0 can they possibly watch?"

Wait, didn't R.E.M. break up, like, 5 years ago?

Ok, ok.  That was a cheap shot.  From what I hear, they've released some amazing albums these last few years but anytime I hear some critic wet their pants and gush about R.E.M.'s newest, excellent album and then never, ever hear a listenable song on the radio (the radio!  Remember that?), I'm suspect of the quality of that effort. 

Indeed, R.E.M. broke up today.  As arguably one of the most important bands ever, they deserve all the kudos and sad goodbyes us fans can give them.  However, in my opinion, they've been out of the game for years.  In all of the albums since their last radio album, 1994's Monster...wait...they released six albums since Monster?  Six? Seriously?  New Adventures in Hi-Fi, Up, Reveal, Around the Sun, Accelerate and Collapse into Now.  Huh.  Who knew?

Where was I?  Ah, yes.  All of those albums (Six?!?!) were released to critical acclaim but I dunno...they just don't do anything for me.  My buddy Marc insists that "New Adventures" is their best album and also insists that the next few are really good too.  As I've always said, everybody is entitled to their opinion, even if that opinion is wrong. 

Marc and I used to have a joke about Paul Simon:  He could take a dump in a box, record the sound and win a Grammy.  I've felt the same way about R.E.M. these last few years.  Like critics wanted and needed the albums to be better than they actually were.  I've been guilty of that.  When Pearl Jam released that comeback album of theirs a few years ago, I listened to it and told people for a while that the Jam was back!  Woot!  Only after listening to it a few more times, I realized that while I wanted it to be great, I didn't actually feel it was.  Were critics thinking the same thing about R.E.M.?  Maybe.  And maybe Michael Stipe had incriminating pictures of every critic in the goddamned world. 

That is not to say that I am not a fan.  I loved, LOVED R.E.M in their heyday.  As a matter of fact, when I got my first CD player way back on Christmas day in 1990, my Brother gifted me my corresponding first CD:  R.E.M.'s Reckoning.  I wore that disc out.  Granted, it was the only CD I owned for a few weeks but man, I loved it.  I snapped up their back catalog--"It's the End of the World as We Know It" worked it's way into my life during this period--and I eagerly awaited the release of each new record.  Fortunately, my discovery of the band was right in their creative and commercial wheelhouse:  Out of Time and Automatic for the People would be the rewards for my devoted fandom.  When Monster came out in high school, I easily peaked as a fan.  Not only did R.E.M. finally release an album that rocked, I decided to dump by obsessive high school girlfriend at their concert at the World Music Theater when I was forced to miss the first couple of songs because she refused to go to the bathroom by herself.  Thanks Mike, Mike, Bill and Peter!

A few years ago, I had just gotten paid and was spending a Thursday night drinking wine by myself and rocking out to a 90's playlist I had created.  R.E.M. stuff kept coming up over and over again so I grabbed my laptop and drunkenly hopped on Amazon.com.  Never a good thing.  I was (barely) cognizant of Marc's advice that the new albums were good so I decided to buy them.  In addition, many of my older R.E.M. albums were nicked to shit or just plain lost after spending 6 years in Tulsa with me.  So, I purchased their entire catalog.  Since I was drunk, I even bought a few albums twice (damn you Golden Gate wine!).  I spent the next few weeks gleefully revisiting some old classics--their I.R.S. stuff holds up surprisingly well 25 years later--and trying to like their newer efforts.  I continued to not like these efforts.

Maybe it's time to revisit their more recent works.  After all, I am the guy that finally admitted Paul McCartney was a fairly important member of The Beatles.  It's only fair that I offer the same courtesy to another of my all time favorite bands. 

Yes.  It is time to revisit the newer albums.  It's the least I could do, if only to honor a newly dead, once great band.

Victory is Mine!

I won my fantasy baseball league!  Wait, Wait, strike that...I finally won my fantasy baseball league!

You see, for the last 6 years, I've been involved in various YahooSports.com fantasy baseball leagues.  Each year, I dominate the regular season, only to lose in the playoffs or, more often than not, the championship game.  I'm like the Buffalo Bills of Yahoo Sports.  Check it out:

2006:  John .316, 2nd Place
2007:  The Wookie Stompers, 2nd Place
2008:  Abe Vigoda's Boner, 5th Place (everyone else cheated)
2009:  Clown Baby, 2nd Place
2010:  Shark Week, 2nd Place

But finally, a team of mine broke through:

2011:  Fat Jesus, 1st Place

Woot!  Woot!

It wasn't easy though.  Turns out, my arch-enemy and best man Brad was my opponent in the finals.  A looooooooong while ago, back in March, Brad had the #1 overall pick in our fantasy draft.  Like any sane person, he drafted Albert Pujols with that #1 pick.

Seen here tattooing a ball into orbit

Not only did Brad luck into the #1 pick in our keeper league, he used it to draft the best baseball player (non-'roids division) of my generation. 

As luck would have it, Brad and I were locked in a virtual tie after a full slate of Sunday afternoon games.  There was just one game left in our fantasy baseball season--last night's Cardinals/Phillies matchup--to determine a league champion.  And, between our two teams, there was just one player active in that game:  Albert Freakin' Pujols. 

I won't bore you with the details but I had a .899 to .889 lead in OPS (On base Percentage Plus Slugging Percentage) heading into that last game.  And, after Pujols destroyed the very 1st pitch he saw 15 rows deep into the left field stands, I was suddenly down .899 to .907.  My only hope for victory was for Mr. Pujols to go hitless in his last few at bats.

He did, in fact, go hitless in his next 2 appearances heading into his final at bat in the 8th inning.  Brad was up 7-6 (categories-wise) and if I could flip OPS, I would win the league.  So, 6 months after we had all gathered at various computers around the city and country, our entire fantasy baseball league literally came down to one at bat.  It was simple:  If Albert reached base via a hit, a walk, or a hit by pitch, Brad would win.  If Albert made an out, I would win.

At this point, I was a little drunk and nervous and kinda shaking...I think Krishni was a little worried about me. 

Albert Pujols came to the plate in what would likely be his last at bat of the game and took strike one, ball one, missed at a pitch and...struck out!  "YES!  Victory is mine!  Wo-hoo!  Wait, why is he still in the box?  Christ, he fouled off that last pitch!  No!  Nooooooo!"

I have never in my life been more sure that a hit was forthcoming than at that moment.  I knew--deep down in my testicles--that Pujols was not only going to get a hit, he was going to deposit another one onto the left field concourse, making the recipient of that ball amazingly happy, as I chugged vodka in soul-crushing defeat. 

Happily, that was not to be.  On the next pitch, the greatest hitter of my generation swung and missed at a sinker, low and inside.  I screamed for joy, Krishni asked "What happened?" and I gave her an awkward high-five.  We popped the $12 bottle of "champagne" that she had purchased for the occasion and we shared some bubbly as I reveled in my victory and giggled for the next 20 minutes. 

Thank god for stupid shit.  What would life be without it?

Today in Sheer Internet Joy

If you have to ask why this is funny, you'll never understand:

I must apologize

Yesterday's post was kind of a bummer.  Yes, it was an insight into what is actually a rather fascinating job, in an anthropological sorta way.  But--and I'll be the 1st to admit--child porn is not something you typically come to this blog to read about. 

I will say this: when I did make the one sort-of joke--the one about R. Kelly--I originally had typed the sentence as:  "Who finds child porn funny?  Besides Phil Spector?"

For those not in the know, Phil Spector was a famous music producer who, among other things, rescued The Beatles album Let it Be from the ashes and made it super-syrupy with his signiture "Wall of Sound".  I also remembered him being involved in a statutory rape case but it turns out I was thinking of Roman Polanski.  Phil Spector murdered an actress.  Also, he looks like this:

Clearly, the comedy level of that mugshot is off the charts.  But thanks to something stupid called "fact checking", I wasn't allowed to use it.  What, do I fancy myself a journalist or something?

Yes.  A sexy, sexy journalist.  For chubby chasers.

Sigh. Days like this are just not worth it.

(Warning!  This post contains colorful language and one--or perhaps two--horrible, horrible people)

Today was a good day.  It really was.  They moved our office from one end of the building to another and now I have, like, 3 times the space I used to.  Check this shit out:

It's like I'm a real worker!  And yes, it's sad that this makes me excited. 

I spent a fun morning putting crap from the Onion up on my cubicle walls and eating Honey Nut Cheerios and pretty much just stretched out in all the space I've been given.  And then the phone calls came in.  Here are the highlights of the call that kicked it all off:

Ass-Bag Caller:  I can't register.
Me:  What seems to be the problem?  Are you having trouble actually registering or have you registered and are having trouble logging in?
ABC:  (angrily)  Look, I'm just trying to jerk off and I can't get into your sites!
M:  Sir...that's disgusting.  But let's see if we can't get you logged in...

And then later in the same call:

ABC:  It keeps saying my credit card is rejected.
M:  Hmmm.  Are you using a Visa, Mastercard or Discover?
ABC:  None.  I'm using a Swedish card.
M:  A Swedish card?  Like, from Sweden?
ABC:  Yeah.
M:  I'm sorry.  We don't take any cards other than Visa, Mastercard or Discover.
ABC:  MAN!  Why you gotta be racist?!?!?!
M:  (pause)  ...Is there anything else I can do for you today?
ABC:  Yeah, FUCK YOU BITCH!

After I hung up on him, I was lucky enough to get his next call:

M:  Good afternoon!  How may I assist you today?
ACB:  Why'd you hang up on me nigger?

He then continued to call in for the next 80 minutes.  Another guy, claiming to be the initial caller's brother, demanded to be transferred to our supervisor, saying I called his brother "disgusting" and threatening a lawsuit.  He eventually did speak to my supervisor...and continued to insist he was going to sue us because I called him disgusting.  After complaining to our supervisor, he changed his tactic and called back in wanting to talk about the magazine and give a complaint about the content.  I got him again.  This time, I was determined to outlast him and would not give him the satisfaction of getting to me:

M:  As I said before, you're going to have to contact the magazine if you have any complaints about the content.
ABC:  You don't understand.  I'm looking for stuff not in the magazine.  Like child porn. 
M:  Child porn?  That is quite illegal and I can assure you that content will not be appearing in the magazine.  Ever. 
ABC:  Yes.  Child porn. 
M:  Sir, if you have a comment on the content of the magazine, you will have to contact the magazine.
ABC:   And if I do, they will put child porn in the magazine?
M:  No. 

It was at this point that the call got...weirder. 

M:  Child porn will always be illegal.  If you'd prefer, you can contact your local police station and tell them that you think it should be made legal.  I'm sure they will have plenty to say to you about that.
ABC:  The police?  No, they're stupid.  (pause)  I fucked a cops daughter once.  She was a child.
M:  Sir, are you calling from (telephone number)?
ABC:  Yes.
M:  I need you to know that it is my legal obligation to contact the authorities with this information.  What you are claiming you did is quite illegal. 
ABC:  Oh. 

Wait, it gets weirder.  He kept calling back.  My friend Lisa looked up the number through the magic of the interwebs and found a page dedicated to people who have been pranked by this number.  Apparently, these two dudes just sit around all day calling people like some amazingly dumb and horrible version of the Jerky Boys.

These dudes are sick.  Who thinks child porn is funny?  Besides R. Kelly? 

Yes, yes, yes...this job is hilarious on most days.  Days like today, however, really take it out of you.