In the meantime, I present to you two of the best examples of why the internet is the most important development of my lifetime. I proudly give you: Axl Rose, Hungry Time Traveler:
And One Tiny Hand:
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Today in Sheer Internet Joy
Sorry I haven't been blogging much...I know you have to be curious about the amount of Taco Bell I've eaten, whiskey I've dranken, times I've touched myself, etc. Trust me, those updates will be coming shortly. Perhaps as soon as this crazy weekend gets itself over with as well as the first couple of days of next week. So, say, we'll reconvene here on Wednesday/Thursday? How does that sound?
In the meantime, I present to you two of the best examples of why the internet is the most important development of my lifetime. I proudly give you: Axl Rose, Hungry Time Traveler:
And One Tiny Hand:
In the meantime, I present to you two of the best examples of why the internet is the most important development of my lifetime. I proudly give you: Axl Rose, Hungry Time Traveler:
And One Tiny Hand:
Friday, March 16, 2012
At long last: The Doritos Locos Taco
This will not come as a shock to you, loyal reader, but this Taco Bell item made our dedicated group a little crazy. Kalena and I texted back and forth on a daily basis--often two or three times a day--on the week leading up to our taco date and I sent a text to Mel in France bemoaning that she couldn't be with us. She replied with "I'm not kidding when I say that missing this taco makes me as sad as missing the birth of my friend's child." I'm not even a big Doritos fan but the sheer novelty of the thing gave me a Taco Bell Fire sauce boner (note: do not attempt to use Taco Bell Fire sauce as a lube. Trust me on this).
Honestly, I can't believe it took us a full week after the taco premeired in Chicago to make our way to Wrigleyville to sample the damn thing. I'm truly, truly sorry about the delay, Taco Bell.
Speaking of delays, I'm also sorry it took me as long as it did to pound out this post. My kick-ass wife was the official photographer of the trip and took all the pictures on her iPhone. However, a few days ago, she and I made the switch to the iPhone 4S and she had some trouble moving the photos from one phone to the next. The good news is that if you own an iPhone 4S as well, we can call each other and use the "Face Time" video chat. Because we all know, when you want to talk to me, you want to be able to see me shirtless, pantsless and unshowered.
Anyhow, Kalena, Marc (her Marc, not my Marc), Brad, Krishni and I made our way to Addison and Clark last Monday for cheesey glory. We all ordered different variations of the thing: Brad got the "Dinner Box", I got mine without sour cream, Marc bought 4 of the damn things, etc and we sat down at an abnormally busy Bell to sample the glorious fare. Now, I may be saying this as a Taco Bell geek so you may want to take this with a shit-ton of sodium but it was awesome. Like, fantastically super-charged "I want seven right now" awesome. Some photos (we did have a few action shots of me eating the tacos but sadly they were lost when we swapped phones. However, since you likely didn't need to see me with orange-dust covered fingers and Taco Bell "beef" stuck between my teeth, I'm not sure this is for the best anyway):
Yes, this was my favorite new Taco Bell item in many moons. While we ate the hell out of it, we discussed what the future of Taco Bell might hold for us. They might as well double-down on theme and get a Frito shell ASAP. Kalena wants them to do other Doritos flavors, specifically the old-school "Taco Flavored" chips...remember those?
I feel that would be a bit redundant but why not do a shell in the "Spicy Nacho" genre?
As long as they stay away from the whole "Cool Ranch" thing, I'll be a happy guy. Because that is one Taco Bell item that I will NOT be sampling. Ever.
I feel that in a day and age where a company like Whole Foods can exist and thrive--an age where freshness is important to consumers and ingredients matter--it has become "cool" to rip down Taco Bell because Taco Bell does not care about such things. The Bell wants to use a "mostly beef" mixture and churn out as many tacos as possible to it's drunken fan base.
You know what? I'm ok with that. Taco Bell is what it is and it's not pretending to be any different. You want to get on your high horse and make fun of the Bell? You can do so without me because fuck you.
This taco was not only fun but really, really good. The only thing I did not like about the experience was the girl behind the counter refused to make me a double-decker Doritos Locos taco. I was even going to ask her to put on that "Volcano Sauce" that they like to use but figured it would have further confused her.
In the interest of full disclosure, I feel this should be noted. This may have resulted because of the Taco Bell experience or the eight Jack n' Cokes I had after at Sluggers but the next day I felt like I was shitting fire. I'd like to think it was a combination of the liquor and coming down from the natural high of watching the Bulls beat the Knicks but I'm willing to admit it might have been, say, 10% Taco Bell's fault.
Please don't let that stop you from trying the sheer awesomeness that is the Doritos Locos Taco. But, you know, consider yourself warned.
Honestly, I can't believe it took us a full week after the taco premeired in Chicago to make our way to Wrigleyville to sample the damn thing. I'm truly, truly sorry about the delay, Taco Bell.
Speaking of delays, I'm also sorry it took me as long as it did to pound out this post. My kick-ass wife was the official photographer of the trip and took all the pictures on her iPhone. However, a few days ago, she and I made the switch to the iPhone 4S and she had some trouble moving the photos from one phone to the next. The good news is that if you own an iPhone 4S as well, we can call each other and use the "Face Time" video chat. Because we all know, when you want to talk to me, you want to be able to see me shirtless, pantsless and unshowered.
Anyhow, Kalena, Marc (her Marc, not my Marc), Brad, Krishni and I made our way to Addison and Clark last Monday for cheesey glory. We all ordered different variations of the thing: Brad got the "Dinner Box", I got mine without sour cream, Marc bought 4 of the damn things, etc and we sat down at an abnormally busy Bell to sample the glorious fare. Now, I may be saying this as a Taco Bell geek so you may want to take this with a shit-ton of sodium but it was awesome. Like, fantastically super-charged "I want seven right now" awesome. Some photos (we did have a few action shots of me eating the tacos but sadly they were lost when we swapped phones. However, since you likely didn't need to see me with orange-dust covered fingers and Taco Bell "beef" stuck between my teeth, I'm not sure this is for the best anyway):
Yes, this was my favorite new Taco Bell item in many moons. While we ate the hell out of it, we discussed what the future of Taco Bell might hold for us. They might as well double-down on theme and get a Frito shell ASAP. Kalena wants them to do other Doritos flavors, specifically the old-school "Taco Flavored" chips...remember those?
I feel that would be a bit redundant but why not do a shell in the "Spicy Nacho" genre?
********
I feel that in a day and age where a company like Whole Foods can exist and thrive--an age where freshness is important to consumers and ingredients matter--it has become "cool" to rip down Taco Bell because Taco Bell does not care about such things. The Bell wants to use a "mostly beef" mixture and churn out as many tacos as possible to it's drunken fan base.
You know what? I'm ok with that. Taco Bell is what it is and it's not pretending to be any different. You want to get on your high horse and make fun of the Bell? You can do so without me because fuck you.
This taco was not only fun but really, really good. The only thing I did not like about the experience was the girl behind the counter refused to make me a double-decker Doritos Locos taco. I was even going to ask her to put on that "Volcano Sauce" that they like to use but figured it would have further confused her.
In the interest of full disclosure, I feel this should be noted. This may have resulted because of the Taco Bell experience or the eight Jack n' Cokes I had after at Sluggers but the next day I felt like I was shitting fire. I'd like to think it was a combination of the liquor and coming down from the natural high of watching the Bulls beat the Knicks but I'm willing to admit it might have been, say, 10% Taco Bell's fault.
Please don't let that stop you from trying the sheer awesomeness that is the Doritos Locos Taco. But, you know, consider yourself warned.
Monday, March 12, 2012
I'm just mere hours away...
...from injecting this mayhem directly into my intestines:
For those that value their bowel movements more than I do, that is the "Doritos Locos Taco" from Taco Bell. As many of you know, I am involved in an unofficial club of ne'er-do-wells who make a run for the border any time The Bell has a new item. This item, in particular, has been captured in our dreams and nightmares for well over a year. You see, my friend Kalena has a cousin that actually shoots Taco Bell commercials. As such, we tend to hear about the new items long before they actually hit the market. And ever since we've heard about this one, our curiosity has been, um, salivating. And buying Pepto-Bismol.
So, in less than three hours, Krishni, Kalena, Brad and I--and a few other intrepid adventurers--will make the long journey on the #22 Clark Bus to the Wrigleyville Taco Bell. We will smell the fried "beef", consume too many of these damn things and gleefully lick the orange dust off our fingers.
We'll deal with the repercussions later.
Tomorrow: Photos! Reviews! Hangovers!
So, in less than three hours, Krishni, Kalena, Brad and I--and a few other intrepid adventurers--will make the long journey on the #22 Clark Bus to the Wrigleyville Taco Bell. We will smell the fried "beef", consume too many of these damn things and gleefully lick the orange dust off our fingers.
We'll deal with the repercussions later.
**********
Tomorrow: Photos! Reviews! Hangovers!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Let's talk Harry Potter or "Why I think Ron Weasley is a useless, terrified pussy"
Over the last few weeks, Krishni and I have methodically knocked out the entire Harry Potter series thanks to a combination of DVD's, HBO and Amazon Unbox. Isn't technology cool? Krishni and I will never be considered hard core fans. She's never read the books; I only read the first two and found them to be poorly written. I've been told that the Brit who wrote the books became a better writer as the series went on but like I'm going to invest 7,000 pages of my time in anything unless it was written by Shelby Foote, especially if it kind of sucks.
Over the course of the, what, 8 movies, Ron goes from being a mischievous, studly little boy ("I'll be the knight!") to "The guy who got out-manly-ed by his little sister".
Seriously. A simple Google search for "Ron Weasley Terrified" locates many, many fan photos--some with unfunny captions--of Ron pissing his pants:
Rest in Peace, my good man
Over the course of the, what, 8 movies, Ron goes from being a mischievous, studly little boy ("I'll be the knight!") to "The guy who got out-manly-ed by his little sister".
"I'm Ginny Fucking Weasley"
Seriously. A simple Google search for "Ron Weasley Terrified" locates many, many fan photos--some with unfunny captions--of Ron pissing his pants:
Ahhhhhhh!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
ARRRRRGGAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Honestly, I'm not sure what Hermione saw in him.
Now, to be fair, I'm a bit more harsh on the guy than just about anyone I know. Krishni doesn't think he's as useless as I do and my dear friends and Harry Potter aficionados Mel and Amber expressed a similar sentiment. After all, he did survive the entire series and stood by his pal Harry through thick and thin; except for, you know, those entire sequences during the films where he abandoned his friend to go cry in a corner somewhere.
Of course, you may be saying something like "But Mike, in those photos above he is clearly running from danger or, you know, he has a spider on his head." True. Ron did go along on most of the adventures and did, in fact, have more than one spider on his head. But you know who else constantly stared down death, fought in the wizarding war and battled terrifying creatures and giant spiders? Everyone else in the freaking series.
Even awkward homeboy Neville Longbottom--the butt of many jokes through the first half of the series--pulls it together to save the day on more than one occasion.
Pictured: Bravery Personified
All that and he bangs that freaky--and I don't mean that in a bad way--Luna chick. I know that there was a rumor going around that he was actually the chosen one and that he would be the one to ultimately take down the dark lord but didn't he sort of do that? Worse case scenario he splits the victory with Harry, right? Maybe 70/30?
Look, I'm sure that Ron came off better in the books--anyone that has heard me bitch about the middle third of the series knows that I feel an awful lot was left out of the movies in the interest of time--but seeing how I've never actually read these books, Ron comes off as a total wuss. And we know who wears the pants in his marriage.
Hermione totally could have done better.
Much better
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
The only recipe you'll never need
Krishni isn't feeling quite like a normal person tonight; she's coming down off a dentist-induced novocain high. As such, she's turning in early leaving me to make dinner on my own and watch the Bulls game. Damn it! For the last few months, she's been feeding me...how are they pronounced? Vegetables? Well, left to my own devices, I don't stand for that shit. Unless, of course, you want to rain on my temporary-bachelorhood parade and claim that salsa is pretty much made up of vegetables.
Since I'm unemployed and can't afford Taco Bell, I took matters into my own hands tonight.
Here is all that you need to make your very own Frito Burrito:
Start with a flour tortilla. I'm not a Mexican food snob like my awesome wife so just about any flour tortilla will do. I picked the softest ones from the "ethnic foods" aisle at Jewel. While I'm in this aisle with you, why do they sell those weird Jesus candles in this aisle? They don't sell any Buddhist icons in the Asian section. What's that about?
What? Oh, yeah. Adding a copious amount of beef to the tortilla:
From there, add entirely too much cheese:
On top of the cheese, add some salsa. I like Newman's Own because I don't require a salsa that is remotely authentic and a freshly-dead Paul Newman in a sombrero slays me:
Finally, you add the most important ingredient of all: the fried, crispy cholesterol:
Wrap it all up...
...and you have yourself a perfectly adequate "Mexican" dinner. Or, in my case, eat 4 of them and deal with the intestinal issues tomorrow.
Some days, I really, really enjoy unemployment.
Since I'm unemployed and can't afford Taco Bell, I took matters into my own hands tonight.
I actually look 25% worse than my calves may indicate
Here is all that you need to make your very own Frito Burrito:
Wii handguns optional
Start with a flour tortilla. I'm not a Mexican food snob like my awesome wife so just about any flour tortilla will do. I picked the softest ones from the "ethnic foods" aisle at Jewel. While I'm in this aisle with you, why do they sell those weird Jesus candles in this aisle? They don't sell any Buddhist icons in the Asian section. What's that about?
What? Oh, yeah. Adding a copious amount of beef to the tortilla:
From there, add entirely too much cheese:
On top of the cheese, add some salsa. I like Newman's Own because I don't require a salsa that is remotely authentic and a freshly-dead Paul Newman in a sombrero slays me:
Ole!
Finally, you add the most important ingredient of all: the fried, crispy cholesterol:
Wrap it all up...
...and you have yourself a perfectly adequate "Mexican" dinner. Or, in my case, eat 4 of them and deal with the intestinal issues tomorrow.
Some days, I really, really enjoy unemployment.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Writing is a process
Sometimes I have ideas that simply don't work. For instance, I half-wrote a blog post yesterday that had a fairly good beginning but no matter how much I thought about it, the damn thing didn't have an end. No matter how I tried to come around to a coherent point, it all sounded so preachy. The post was about drugs and how silly I think it is that they are illegal. I'm very pro-pot even thought I've never in my life smoked the stuff. Funny how a cancer-ridden Mother who couldn't eat towards the end will help shape someones opinion on the matter.
Truth be told, I have always taken a "legalize it" opinion when it comes to drugs. Hell, if whiskey is legal, doesn't it stand to reason that pot should be? To my knowledge, pot has never caused a person to leave their bedroom, take a left hand turn towards Terry's bedroom instead of a right hand turn towards the bathroom and then proceed to piss in the corner of Terry's bedroom--and into his lady friend's purse--all the while thinking that it was the toilet.
That may or may not have happened to me.
It's amazing to me that politicians have not yet legalized pot. Seeing how they could tax the hell out of it--and lesson the beheadings in Mexico--it seems like a no-brainer to me. I also take the very controversial stance that all drugs should be legalized. I'm of the opinion that even if heroin were legal, people wouldn't suddenly decide to inject it just because they can. People are smarter than that. The people that aren't that smart? Well, that's just natural selection at work.
Where was I? Ah yes, the writing process. Below, you will find the blog post that I started and couldn't finish. You will notice that it sort of abruptly ends. I swear to god, in my brain, that post had a point. Sometimes, however, it's best to bail out:
"This will come as a shock to some of you but it's the truth: I've never in my life--for serious--done drugs. While it is true that I'm sort of fascinated by the culture: Pink Floyd is a-MA-zing and those stoned kids in college--I really, REALLY hate the term "stoners" because those smokey weasels were some of the more brilliant people I ever encountered back then--sure helped me get play in Tulsa. But it's the truth: Mike Jacklich can be a fall-down drunk, but he's never smoked weed, snorted cocaine, or dropped acid.
As a matter of fact, I've only been high once. This has been discussed before but the truth is, the only time I've ever been truly "high", is that time on the east-coast road-trip with Brad where I drank two Jolt! colas in about 20 minutes.
30 points to anyone that got that Chandler reference.
I was thinking about drugs tonight because I am unemployed, listening to The Beatles and drinking vodka. Because, you know, what else should an unemployed guy who hasn't showered today do? Anyhoo, I was listening to "Beatles for Sale". BFS is an ok album, I guess. I've always called it their most "coverful" album partly because I don't really like it and also because I am a closeted fan of puns. The good boys in The Beatles only wrote 8 of the 14 songs on the album"
I think I was going to make a point that drugs were important to the lads from Liverpool and that by taking drugs, they were able to exist as a band far longer than if they hadn't discovered the ability to self-medicate. I think. Honestly, I don't know. That theoretical post, like this one, was
Truth be told, I have always taken a "legalize it" opinion when it comes to drugs. Hell, if whiskey is legal, doesn't it stand to reason that pot should be? To my knowledge, pot has never caused a person to leave their bedroom, take a left hand turn towards Terry's bedroom instead of a right hand turn towards the bathroom and then proceed to piss in the corner of Terry's bedroom--and into his lady friend's purse--all the while thinking that it was the toilet.
That may or may not have happened to me.
It's amazing to me that politicians have not yet legalized pot. Seeing how they could tax the hell out of it--and lesson the beheadings in Mexico--it seems like a no-brainer to me. I also take the very controversial stance that all drugs should be legalized. I'm of the opinion that even if heroin were legal, people wouldn't suddenly decide to inject it just because they can. People are smarter than that. The people that aren't that smart? Well, that's just natural selection at work.
Where was I? Ah yes, the writing process. Below, you will find the blog post that I started and couldn't finish. You will notice that it sort of abruptly ends. I swear to god, in my brain, that post had a point. Sometimes, however, it's best to bail out:
"This will come as a shock to some of you but it's the truth: I've never in my life--for serious--done drugs. While it is true that I'm sort of fascinated by the culture: Pink Floyd is a-MA-zing and those stoned kids in college--I really, REALLY hate the term "stoners" because those smokey weasels were some of the more brilliant people I ever encountered back then--sure helped me get play in Tulsa. But it's the truth: Mike Jacklich can be a fall-down drunk, but he's never smoked weed, snorted cocaine, or dropped acid.
As a matter of fact, I've only been high once. This has been discussed before but the truth is, the only time I've ever been truly "high", is that time on the east-coast road-trip with Brad where I drank two Jolt! colas in about 20 minutes.
Wah-pa!
30 points to anyone that got that Chandler reference.
I was thinking about drugs tonight because I am unemployed, listening to The Beatles and drinking vodka. Because, you know, what else should an unemployed guy who hasn't showered today do? Anyhoo, I was listening to "Beatles for Sale". BFS is an ok album, I guess. I've always called it their most "coverful" album partly because I don't really like it and also because I am a closeted fan of puns. The good boys in The Beatles only wrote 8 of the 14 songs on the album"
********
I think I was going to make a point that drugs were important to the lads from Liverpool and that by taking drugs, they were able to exist as a band far longer than if they hadn't discovered the ability to self-medicate. I think. Honestly, I don't know. That theoretical post, like this one, was
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
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