Let's all point and laugh at the 6' 9" amazingly gifted athlete worth 100 million dollars!

Many folks will tell you that the best baseball movie ever made was "Major League".  Those folks are wrong.  The best baseball movie ever made was "Bull Durham".  That's a scientific fact.  You can look it up.

Anyhow, many folks will still insist on telling you that the best baseball movie ever made was "Major League".  It is a pretty damn funny movie, punctuated by wonderful appearances by former Major League player and current Major League broadcaster Bob Uecker.  Uke plays a hard-drinking, semi-foul mouthed caricature of himself throughout the film.

 Pictured:  My dream job.  With bourbon!

At one point, he tells fans of a new promotion coming up for the Indians:

"Just a reminder, fans, comin' up is our 'Die-hard Night' here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant."

For some context, the last time the Indians had gone to the World Series--at the time of the movie shoot--was 1954.  The movie was made in 1989.  Pretty funny line, but not that big a deal, right?

Now consider this:  if the Cubs held a "Die Hard" night at Wrigley Field, any fans taking the Cubs up on this offer would be 103 years old. At least.

Now, I don't bring this up to rub salt in Cub's fans wounds.  I could do that rather easily if I wanted to.  Ok, ok...I want to:

 

No, I bring this up to illustrate a rather clever promotion that a Cubs minor league affiliate--the Peoria Chiefs--have launched called "LeBron James NBA Championship Replica Ring Giveaway night".  I gotta hand it to the promotional department down in Peoria:  this promotion is genius.  The idea is they are giving away the same ring that LeBron James "won" the other night.  Or as the article put it, "Replica rings -- also known as air".  Other activities scheduled for the evening:  "A fan will win a 'replica' of James' Finals MVP award (which actually went to the Mavericks' Dirk Nowitzki), and Heimlich maneuver classes will be offered to help prevent people from 'choking in a big situation.' "  They are also attempting to get league approval to not play the 4th inning. 

Not gonna lie:  I kinda want to go. 

LeBron's fall from super-stud status has been well documented*:  From the horrible, horrible call by his people to hold "The Decision" (his free agent announcement special) on ESPN to that godawful "Pre-Championship Celebration" they held before the season where LeBron implied they were going to win 8 championships...ugh.  Then all the old-school guys like Jordan and Barkley and Magic pretty much came out and questioned his manhood, saying they never, ever would have left their home team to join up with another top-3 player...these guys wanted to crush the best, not join up with the best.  Then come the playoffs where he dominated for the 1st 3 rounds only to completely and utterly wilt under the hot lights of the playoffs, disappearing in the 4th quarter of the last 5 finals games, ultimately losing 4 games to 2 to the Dallas Mavericks.

Let's just say it's been a tough year for LeBron James.

Now, I don't make millions of dollars playing basketball.  Yet.  Nor do I talk about basketball for a living.  And sometimes I'm so shitfaced on the couch, I can't tell if the bucket that was just scored was a black guy dunking or a white guy lay-up.  All of this is besides the point.  I know enough about basketball to see when a guy who has the physical gifts to be the best player of all time chokes in a big situation.  Or, in the case of the man nicknamed "King", chokes in 5 straight big situations. 

I'm not entirely sure he deserved all of the hate he got this year.  He really just made a career decision that any of us would have made.  However, it was the way he made all of these decisions that really rubbed folks the wrong way.  Between "the Decision" and that pre-season celebration and the way that he always seems to be just coasting through games instead of dominating the way we all know he can...in a word, he was arrogant.  And because of that arrogance, he polarized the country in a way I've never seen with an athlete.  Unless you were from Miami, every basketball fan wanted--nay, needed--the guy to lose.  I mean, come on:  he forced me cheer for a team from Texas.  I don't think I've ever done that.  Even back in 1836 I'm pretty sure I was pulling for the Mexicans**.

If you're feeling bad for the guy, don't worry, kids.  LeBron will get his rings.  And he will continue to go to sleep on top a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies. 

But for all us fans that reveled in this loss, even if it meant we had to cheer on a team from freakin' Texas, we will always have the fragile, shattered and suddenly-filled-with-humility LeBron James to keep us warm until next season:

Sad Panda

*Dude jumped ship from the Cleveland Cavaliers (his home town) to join up with another "Top 3" player named Dewayne Wade and another All-Star named Chris Bosh...screwing his home town team and pinning a ginormous target on his back at which the rest of the league would take aim.

** Incidentally, I did a quick google search to double check that date and found the official Alamo website.  There is a pretty funny video that plays at the top of the screen for about 5 seconds when you get to the page that is by far the worst historical re-enactment I've ever seen.  It's no wonder the Texans lost...they just sort of fell down when the Mexicans pushed them.  You can keep refreshing the page as long as it continues to be funny. 

Today in Sheer Internet Joy

I could not take my eyes off this video, even if the recipe was not at all for me.  I can not recommend watching the whole thing enough but highlights at 4:12, garlic cutting at 6:35, tomato chopping at 9:53, and, of course, the summoning of the most important ingredient of all, at 12:50. 

I always knew Sam Adams was the right beer for me...

My wife is wildly entertained by the random grudges I hold.  Sometimes--even with the tiniest of slights--I have trouble letting go of the grudge I manage to create.  I am also willing to admit that sometimes I hold onto the silly grudges just because they are fun.

For instance, I haven't eaten at a Jimmy Johns since a stoner "sandwich artist" yelled "WE DON'T HAVE MEATBALLS AT JIMMY JOHNS!" at me a little too loudly for my liking.  Granted, this occurred sometime after 2 am after the bars had closed in Milwaukee, we were drunk as sin and--in retrospect--he may not have yelled at all.  He may have just loudly exclaimed his anti-meatball manifesto when I slurred a request for a meatball sandwich after closing out a bar with 2 of my buddies.

Whatever.  Jimmy Johns will never get my business again.

Another example:  to this day I hate a former White Sox player named Jermaine Dye.  Why?  Because he once dropped a fly ball in Oakland during the eighth inning of this game that contributed to an early season loss.  Seriously.  Never mind that the loss only "dropped" the Sox to a 16-5 record during a season where they didn't play a single game out of 1st place and eventually won the World Series.  My hatred also ignores the fact that Jermaine Dye was named MVP of that very same World Series, driving in the only run of the deciding game 4. 

None of this matters.  Jermaine Dye sucks.

Which brings me to Boston.  These friggin' guys...

Where do I begin?  Do I hate Boston because of the Red Sox?  Because of Kevin Garnett?  Because of Rajon Rondo?  Mitt Romney?  Because Fenway Park is over-priced, has terrible sightlines and was 1st runner up in the category of "Most Urine Smelling Stadium", 2nd only to Wrigley?  Is it because of a palpable  east coast arrogance that I hate?  Because I think clam chowder is gross?  Is it because ESPN sucks at the teat of the Red Sox and Yankees?  Is it because Boston College has caused my Fightin' Irish so much pain over the years?  Could it be Bill Belicheck?  Tom Brady?

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Can't it be all of the above?

Whatever the reason, hating on Boston is super-fun.  I feel that everyone needs a villain and sometimes it's important to have a better villain than Jimmy Johns.

The Poll Results are In!

And apparently I'm wrong.

My loyal readership of 7 may remember a few weeks ago when I posted the "Literal Sally" story about my wife.  Our argument boiled down to this:  When I went off to watch the Chicago Bulls play basketball, was I watching "Boys playing with balls" or was I watching "Boys playing with ball"?  Well, the results are in and they are not pretty:

Boys playing with ball:   3 votes (33%)

Boys playing with balls:  6 votes (66%)

Full disclosure:  I voted twice. So thank you, kind stranger, who voted with me.  It's just you and me against the world. 

I still say that within the confines of the marital argument, I'm right.  Sure, maybe not grammatically or even drunkenly correct....none of this changes the fact that there is only one damn ball that matters.

Alas, the people have spoken.  And, as I've always said, everyone is entitled to their opinion, even if that opinion is wrong.

Whatever.  You guys suck.

******************

This seems as good a time as any to bring up the results of my first poll:  "Should Mike lay off the crap?".  This poll was thrown up after my recent visit to the doctor's office who found that my cholesterol level was "John Goodman High".  This was also after a fast-food bender of epic proportions.  The results:

Should Mike lay off the crap?

God, yes!  Krishni loves you!  6 votes
Nah. If there's anything these last 32 years has taught us, it's that your colon can handle anything:  4 votes
I dunno.  Do you have insurance?  0 votes

First and foremost, I'd like to thank the 6 voters who seem concerned about my physical well being.  Secondly, I'd like to thank the 4 voters that will continue to encourage me to destroy myself from within.  That'll be a whole lot of fun. 

Hey, isn't tonight the all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner at The Rail?

Sith Lord? More like Wuss Lord.

It's early.  That was the best I could do.

But seriously, Darth Vader has lost it.  First salsa dancing for the old folks and now a very Earthly trip to the happiest place on earth with the 2 most incompetent Stormtroopers since this guy? 

There is just one Darth Vader who managed to dominate my childhood, and he's clearly badass:

Today in Sheer Internet Joy

Arrrrrrrrg!

I do apologize for my lack of blogging but I'm stuck in the 7th circle of legal hell.  Here's a tip for those of you that are planning on dying some day:  write out an iron-clad, itemized, down-to-the-letter, obnoxiously specific Will and Testament that accounts for any possible death scenario.  If you think a contingent like "And in the case I get sucked into a crashing F-18's engine whilst on vacation in Burundi, any potential pot-bellied pigs that I may possibly own are bequeathed to one James Freund" is too specific, take it from me:  it is not. 

In the meantime, I found a great picture at the Walt Disney World blog the other day of Muppets as Starwars characters.  Discuss.