Let's all point and laugh at the 6' 9" amazingly gifted athlete worth 100 million dollars!

Many folks will tell you that the best baseball movie ever made was "Major League".  Those folks are wrong.  The best baseball movie ever made was "Bull Durham".  That's a scientific fact.  You can look it up.

Anyhow, many folks will still insist on telling you that the best baseball movie ever made was "Major League".  It is a pretty damn funny movie, punctuated by wonderful appearances by former Major League player and current Major League broadcaster Bob Uecker.  Uke plays a hard-drinking, semi-foul mouthed caricature of himself throughout the film.

 Pictured:  My dream job.  With bourbon!

At one point, he tells fans of a new promotion coming up for the Indians:

"Just a reminder, fans, comin' up is our 'Die-hard Night' here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant."

For some context, the last time the Indians had gone to the World Series--at the time of the movie shoot--was 1954.  The movie was made in 1989.  Pretty funny line, but not that big a deal, right?

Now consider this:  if the Cubs held a "Die Hard" night at Wrigley Field, any fans taking the Cubs up on this offer would be 103 years old. At least.

Now, I don't bring this up to rub salt in Cub's fans wounds.  I could do that rather easily if I wanted to.  Ok, ok...I want to:

 

No, I bring this up to illustrate a rather clever promotion that a Cubs minor league affiliate--the Peoria Chiefs--have launched called "LeBron James NBA Championship Replica Ring Giveaway night".  I gotta hand it to the promotional department down in Peoria:  this promotion is genius.  The idea is they are giving away the same ring that LeBron James "won" the other night.  Or as the article put it, "Replica rings -- also known as air".  Other activities scheduled for the evening:  "A fan will win a 'replica' of James' Finals MVP award (which actually went to the Mavericks' Dirk Nowitzki), and Heimlich maneuver classes will be offered to help prevent people from 'choking in a big situation.' "  They are also attempting to get league approval to not play the 4th inning. 

Not gonna lie:  I kinda want to go. 

LeBron's fall from super-stud status has been well documented*:  From the horrible, horrible call by his people to hold "The Decision" (his free agent announcement special) on ESPN to that godawful "Pre-Championship Celebration" they held before the season where LeBron implied they were going to win 8 championships...ugh.  Then all the old-school guys like Jordan and Barkley and Magic pretty much came out and questioned his manhood, saying they never, ever would have left their home team to join up with another top-3 player...these guys wanted to crush the best, not join up with the best.  Then come the playoffs where he dominated for the 1st 3 rounds only to completely and utterly wilt under the hot lights of the playoffs, disappearing in the 4th quarter of the last 5 finals games, ultimately losing 4 games to 2 to the Dallas Mavericks.

Let's just say it's been a tough year for LeBron James.

Now, I don't make millions of dollars playing basketball.  Yet.  Nor do I talk about basketball for a living.  And sometimes I'm so shitfaced on the couch, I can't tell if the bucket that was just scored was a black guy dunking or a white guy lay-up.  All of this is besides the point.  I know enough about basketball to see when a guy who has the physical gifts to be the best player of all time chokes in a big situation.  Or, in the case of the man nicknamed "King", chokes in 5 straight big situations. 

I'm not entirely sure he deserved all of the hate he got this year.  He really just made a career decision that any of us would have made.  However, it was the way he made all of these decisions that really rubbed folks the wrong way.  Between "the Decision" and that pre-season celebration and the way that he always seems to be just coasting through games instead of dominating the way we all know he can...in a word, he was arrogant.  And because of that arrogance, he polarized the country in a way I've never seen with an athlete.  Unless you were from Miami, every basketball fan wanted--nay, needed--the guy to lose.  I mean, come on:  he forced me cheer for a team from Texas.  I don't think I've ever done that.  Even back in 1836 I'm pretty sure I was pulling for the Mexicans**.

If you're feeling bad for the guy, don't worry, kids.  LeBron will get his rings.  And he will continue to go to sleep on top a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies. 

But for all us fans that reveled in this loss, even if it meant we had to cheer on a team from freakin' Texas, we will always have the fragile, shattered and suddenly-filled-with-humility LeBron James to keep us warm until next season:

Sad Panda

*Dude jumped ship from the Cleveland Cavaliers (his home town) to join up with another "Top 3" player named Dewayne Wade and another All-Star named Chris Bosh...screwing his home town team and pinning a ginormous target on his back at which the rest of the league would take aim.

** Incidentally, I did a quick google search to double check that date and found the official Alamo website.  There is a pretty funny video that plays at the top of the screen for about 5 seconds when you get to the page that is by far the worst historical re-enactment I've ever seen.  It's no wonder the Texans lost...they just sort of fell down when the Mexicans pushed them.  You can keep refreshing the page as long as it continues to be funny.