Blog headers...harder than it looks

Like any sane person whose adolescence occurred in the '90s, I watched an awful lot of The Simpsons growing up.  Because of this, I am not-so-uniquely qualified to definitively say that the "Clown College" episode was their finest moment. 

Also known as "The University of Michigan"

Of course, even the casual fan can pick out the two running jokes during the intro: Bart forever writing on the blackboard:

And the "Couch Gag":

I've seen most of these gags--at least from the first 8 or so seasons--thanks to the magic of the VHS tape that allowed a poor college kid to record the 14 daily showing of the Simpsons on Fox to be rewatched later, over many, many beers.

In the 2000's, Fox and Matt Groening--the creator of the Simpson clan--upped the ante by annually releasing The Simpson's DVDs.  I only bought the 1st season before realizing that I could never afford each season as it came out so I just borrowed each season as it was released from my buddy Brad.  It is because of these DVDs that I was introduced to the magic of the "director's commentary".  I LOVE the directors commentary (DC).  For those not in the know, the DC is an alternate audio track that plays along with the movie that features--duh--the director as well as the producer, some of the principle actors, maybe the cinematographer or the writer and they all sort of talk over the movie with interesting trivia facts and such.   I've watched most of my favorite movies with the DC turned on (Braveheart was weird because instead of the commentary being provided by any of the folks above, it was provided by Mel Gibson and Mel Gibson alone.  177 minutes of Mel Gibson rambling on and on by himself in what I imagine to be a candle-lit room full of Nazi propaganda posters.  Probably naked.) as well as the entirety of the 1st 8 seasons of The Simpsons.

Remember, I was unemployed for 6 months in 2006.

Of course, each Simpsons episode kicks off with the above two jokes.  The goal was to have two unique jokes for each episode and, for the most part, that has been the case.  You do tend to see repeats of the couch gags more often than repeats of Bart at the blackboard but they do happen.  What Groening discovered, according to the commentary, is that it is damn hard to write these two jokes week after week and keep them fresh and funny.  Even with a team of writers.  In fact, he joked--I think he was joking--that he often pushed the blackboard gag off on The Simpsons unpaid interns.

For the 5 of you that have followed my blog from the beginning, you may recall that I used to have a little witticism that appeared beneath the title of my blog that changed all the time.  The line was--for the most part--about Bonzer T and it at first changed daily, then every couple of days, then weekly, then my Mom died, then, after the last one sat there for a couple of weeks, I just pulled the joke altogether.  That's not to say that the gag will not come back...it's just really, really hard to do.

At first I thought "How difficult can it be?  Just pick a historical figure, make the person say something that he or she would never say and always make it about how awesome/offensive/manly you are.  You're super awesome and offensive and manly!  Piece of cake!"

Let me tell you, that shit is hard.  What I've found is that some days I'm not at all creative, or pissed at a masturbator that just called into work, or super hungry, or sometimes I'm sad, or disproportionally horny, or just plain tired.  Those are the days that you have to force yourself to stay clever.  It's one thing to be paid to do so and it's another thing to keep clever on a totally rad PG-13 blog in my spare time.

That said, what follows are each and every blog header that I kept for the 1st couple of months of the Home Skillet.  I think we can all agree, the work suffered as time went on:

“A safe place to bash Julia Roberts”  --Winston Churchill

“The window dressing of the Gods.”  --Jesus Christ

"Super cute!" --Madeleine Albright

"Thrusting towards mediocrity." --Millard Fillmore

“Jettisoning the philanthropic and crusty.”  --Brian of Nazareth

"Seriously, Julia Roberts sucks." --Marie Curie

"Sucking the shrimp out of life, one tail at a time." --Col. Sanders

"Eternally rolling with the homies."  --Peter Tork

“Arrrg!  ‘Tis only one rum better than mine!”  --Captain Morgan

“How'd the play end?” --Abraham Lincoln

“DAMN!  You lookin' gooooooood, sugar!”  --Bill Donohue

“On the 3rd day, Bonzer did rise again”  --God

“Oh shit”  Osama Bin Laden

“Dead on balls accurate” --LL Cool J

“Christ, this guy rambles”  --Jesus Christ

“Well, he's no Shatner”  --Bender Rodriguez

“Sniff, sniff”  --Barrack Obama

“Tougher than a pommel horse on fire.”  --Curt Thomas

“Sad Panda.” --Norman Schwarzkopf

“I dunno, dude. You're the shit.” --Yahweh

Honestly, I don't know how that "Red Meat" guy does it.  

And then the McRib went right through me...

There was an early-ish episode of The Simpsons where Homer buys stock in "pumpkins" right before Halloween.  In typical Homer Simpson fashion, he holds onto the stock far to long and ends up taking such a beating that he has to borrow money from Patty and Selma to keep the family afloat.  As far as Simpsons episodes go, it was ok, I guess.  However, since I don't understand finance at all, it did make me wonder things like "What if I bought stock in a company that produces fake snow in, like, October and sold a few days before Christmas?" or "What if I invest in Astroglide the moment I hear that Scarlett Johansson has a nude scene in the latest Bond movie?"

Yowza.

I realize this is a totally simplistic view of Wall Street--in fact, right now my banker buddy Brad is either giggling at my financial stupidity or his eyes have not yet moved from the rack above--but anticipating the next market and product upturn is sorta what it's all about to the individual investor.

Which brings me to why I was thinking about all this in the first place:  It can only help to invest in Charmin when the McRib returns every year, right?

"Lets see, that's five, six, yep, seven rolls.  One for each McRib I just ate."

That bear above?  It might as well have been me a few years ago.  Remember, I am the guy that once at 7 McRibs in 36 hours.  I'm totally not kidding: 

Here's proof.  Disgusting, disgusting proof.  

You can't quite read the full date up there but it reads "November 03 '06 (Fri) 12:40pm".  What were you doing on November 4th, 2006?  I bet you can't remember.  I, however, can.  The day following the ultimate McRib experience, I suffered through the worst hangover of my life.  Seriously.  I called in sick to work and everything.

Now, thinking I can handle 7 McRibs in 36 hours is the definition of hubris.  I am able to eat an astonishing amount of shit--even chicken long past it expiration date--without suffering any of the negative repercussions normally associated with such a stupid activity.  Krishni is kind of amazed by it.  But maybe I'm getting older and my insides have had just about enough of me pushing them around. 

I had a couple of McRibs today and wow, my intestines are unhappy with my luncheon decision.  I won't disgust you with the details but it was unpleasant.  Actually, I will give you one detail.  For whatever reason, the guy in the bathroom stall next to me was taking pictures on his phone.  I kept hearing the distinctive fake camera shutter noise they give phones now so Asian guys can't take upskirt photos on the bus without being noticed.  What could he have been taking pictures of?  What's that about?

Anyhoo, the point is I think I cured my need for the McRib for another year.  But I know that next year, I'll see the commercials and I'll get excited again.  I'll completely forget the pain this little bastard causes, I'll walk in to my local McDonalds with a big smile on my face, order two McRibs and devour them with glee.  I'll never learn.

I have seen the future, and it is delicious and fraught with pain.

The Only 2011 Travelogue You will Require

People often ask me what it's like to work at the Rabbit.  The question most often asked is can I get the questioner free porn.  The answer is, of course, yes.  All you have to do is ask.  The second question I most often hear:  "Are there, like, naked ladies just running around your office?"  That answer is, "Not most of the time."  While there are occasionally scantily clad women in the office--for photo shoots and seasonal parties--I have to crush the fantasies of dudes everywhere when I tell them that this really is just an office.  My cube looks a whole lot like yours.  Only the top of my monitor is graced by one of my all time favorite Onion headlines:

It is my understanding that this is not allowed in many offices. 

Without further ado, welcome to my desk at work:

They say that a person's work space tells an awful lot about said person...by looking at my work area, you'd think I'm a sophomoric sports fan.  Can you even imagine?

From left to right as we travel across my desk:

Are you in one of these photos?  If so, drink!

No work space is complete without a series of photos of the ones you love.  Or the ones you love to drink with, as this case may be.  We have Mel and Panhandle up there sporting some nice bling after winning the Steppenwolf Gala King and Queen.  We have Brad and Nathan drinking beers at a brewery in stinkin' Boston.  We have Hank sporting a theoretical wooded spoon.  We have the last picture of my Godmother I own where she had any real dignity.  The 'Wolf softball team is present along with an underage drinking party on my Parent's back patio back in 1997.  Speaking of underage drinking...there is my sister Peggy contributing to the delinquency of a minor!  Thanks, Peg!   She's a doctor now!

I think it's important to have icons of your own personal heroes:

In that respect, I have a Geoffrey Rush action figure from the Pirates of the Caribbean, complete with sword, pistol and a juicy green apple.  He had a very nice hat a long time ago.  He (I) sadly lost it in the move from one office to the next. 

Speaking of figurines, I also have these happy little fellows that I purchased for $1 from a Michael's after Halloween two years ago:

I guess my shit job could be worse. 

You will also find a little shrine to Matt Groening:

Present and accounted for are all of my favorite Simpson's characters (Sadly, Milhouse had a full glass of ice water spilled on him.  Sniff, sniff) as well as the cast of Futurama.  Only the best show ever for nerds.

Below my cartoon friends, I have a list of dates that the Free Disney Meal plan is available at Walt Disney World.  Sigh.

I'll get back there someday...

Swinging over to the lower right hand corner of my desk, you will find a rather creepy selection of items:

That doll will murder you in your sleep.   It's why the Stormtrooper stoically stands ever vigilant. That, and he's sitting on top of a naked lady. 

I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes: those are, in fact, wind-up hopping lederhosen standing atop my novelty Benet Academy football.  Sharp eyed folks from Steppenwolf Theatre Company will also be able to spot one of those godawful oranges from that one Gala where we were apparently trying to blind our patrons. 

"But Mike," I hear you asking, "What about your gorgeous, super-smart and sexy wife?"  No worries!  She's here too.  With a pirate:

Arrrrrrrrr!

Bonus terrible fact:  the island where this photo was taken was the site of a horrific plane crash that changed the way pilots communicate to each other in cockpits across the world.  In a heavy fog, one pilot said "To hell with that tower!  I'm taking off!" and promptly flew into a taxing jet killing everyone aboard his plane and most folks aboard the other plane.

Whoopsie.

See!  Bonzer T's Home Skillet isn't just about moderately funny observances...it's also about history!

There are two diplomas I'm proud of earning over the course of my young life.  One is for graduating from Benet Academy, my scholastic home away from home.  The other is from the Taco Fu Master Program.  I graduated with honors:

Yeah, University of Tulsa.  You can go to hell.  

To achieve--according to my diploma--"Success in defending all that is taconess", you need to play this absurd game at the Taco Bell website wherein you must defend your plate of nachos supreme from a series of ginormous lucha libre wrestlers.  Seriously.  Try it out right now and print up your certificate so you can be as awesome as me (incidentally, when you go to the Taco Bell website now, there is a link that states "Made with Real Beef lawsuit dropped".  So we have that going for us.)

Posted all over my monitor, you will find a few Onion horoscopes that still make me laugh to this day.  Allow me to reprint them here because, come on, we all need a good laugh:

"While the directors of the Palomar Observatory admit the nebula had an unusual shape, they do not believe you caught God masturbating."

"When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh."

"Death by firing squad has a certain desolate nobility, but it will be ruined when the inept, drunken Australians fail to hit you above the waist with the first nine volleys."

"Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse."

And a new one that came off the calender today!

"Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected."

Finally, I wouldn't be a White Sox fan without some sort of way to taunt Cubs fans in the office:

Yeah, that's my 2005 World Series Champion Rally Sock.  Maybe if I started wearing those, Adam Dunn could get a damn hit. 

So that's that.  I realize that technically none of you asked to see what my desk looked like at work.  But that has never really stopped me before when it came to stupid shit like this.  Plus, I'm going to make an effort to blog a bit more seeing how my life has slowed down a bit after a frantic July. 

And not every post can be a winner. 

Happy Birthday, Civil War!

Want to know how cool I am?  Last Friday night, I traveled south on the Red Line towards downtown with a dozen or so screeching 20-somethings--many of whom wearing soon-to-be-broken 4 inch heels--going not to a bar with my new friends but to a lecture.  A lecture held by "The Civil War Round Table of Chicago" called "A Georgian Looks at Sherman".  And you know what?  It was awesome.  That was the best use of a Friday night I've had in some time that didn't involve terrified turtles scampering away from a drunken mass of singles.

As you may or may not know, I consider myself quite the history buff.  My specific area of expertise is in boring my wife with details of the Civil War or, if you're a racist dick, "The War Between the States". 

Which is why I find myself oddly wishing I had a little pointy birthday hat for today's date in American history:  On this day 150 years ago, the first* shots of the Civil War were fired in Charleston Harbor during what would become known at "the Battle of Fort Sumter".

Fort Sumter was, essentially, a nothing little fort but it stood annoyingly in the way of Charleston Harbor and Europe.  And damned if those Europeans didn't need their slave-picked cotton!  The fort withstood a pretty epic 34-hour bombardment before eventually surrendering without a single loss of defender life.  However, one Confederate gunner bled to death when his cannon misfired.  USA!  USA!

Once the fort surrendered to the rebels, it proved oddly difficult to re-take.  As a matter of fact, the Union never did re-take the fort.  Only my boy William Tecumseh Sherman's march to the sea finally pushed the Confederates to abandon the fort.  Seriously, that dude was awesome.  Totally racist, but otherwise awesome. 

None of this was covered, of course, during the super-cool lecture Brad and I attended last Friday night.  Perhaps we'll get lucky and they'll talk about it at a lecture soon!  Because, as discussed, I'm the coolest 32-year old ever...that spends his Friday nights at Civil War lectures.**


*That is what your history books will tell you.  Many would argue the first real shots of the Civil war killed an abolitionist named (seriously) Reverend Lovejoy in Alton, Illinois way back in 1837.  Elijah Parrish Lovejoy was the 1st Pastor of the College Avenue Presbyterian Church in Alton and also a writer for the abolitionist paper, The Alton Observer.  One night, while he was installing a new printing press, a pro-slavery mob descended upon the warehouse in an attempt to destroy the press.  During the standoff, Reverend Lovejoy was killed by a double-barrel shotgun blast.  Arguably, he was the 1st casualty of what would later become more than 620,000 dead on both sides.  Think about that the next time you see this guy:

"We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack including 'Bible Bafflers,' 'Satan's Boners' and 'Good Grief, More Satan's Boners'. "

**Please, please, please don't divorce me, Krishni.