Lacivious

Editors note:  In a continuing effort to properly honor my old MySpace blog, I am reposting some of my old posts on the Homeskillet.  I am concerned that the posts from the old blog will completely disappear into the internet ether if I don't, partly because the posts have already disappeared once now. and partly because I'm convinced--and a little shocked that it hasn't already happened--that MySpace will just shut down one day leaving thousands and thousands of gratuitous F-bombs without a home.

Continuing in that series is a post that originally appeared on December 12th, 2008 and covered one of my more unique challenges while I worked for Hef at the Rabbit.  


So, we're in the midst of a total redesign of the Playboy websites.  As it stands right now, we have 16 separate sites to which an aroused man may subscribe.  When a dude subscribes to one, he often assumes, rightfully so, that he should have access to everything we have to offer.  Unfortunately, that is not the case.  A guy pays for one website and as he's poking around at others, he is constantly asked for his credit card information again.  It can be confusing and certainly frustrating for a lot of guys who have slapped down as much as $39.86 a month for one of our websites, already have their pants at their ankles and are frantically attempting to type with one hand. 

We've listened to our customers and we're condensing out product into one ginormously large website simply called "The Club".  Folks won't be asked for a payment a 2^nd time and there will be far fewer headaches for us phone jockeys. 

As a result of this redesign however, we have to go through and rate the "heat level" for all 100,000 images within our websites.  Keep in mind, these are the magazine images dating back to the Marilyn issue back in 1955 all the way up to the digital content we shoot for the websites now.  We've set up this rating system in case a sponsor wants to throw a banner add on a page but also wants to avoid full-frontal nudity (Budweiser) or, on the other hand, if a sponsor specifically wants to advertise on a page with full frontal nudity (Astroglide).

The following piece of information should surprise no one:  I volunteered to be on the photo-rating team. 

In fairness to me, I just volunteered for a project, not specifically this particular project.  That's just what it turned out to be.  And that's how I found myself rating Playmate photo's dating back to 1955 on the following system, officially transcribed from the official Playboy memo.  In case you were wondering, no, I am not making this up...though the explanations were added by me:

Heat Level 1:  Non-sexual content.  Non-girl related editorial. (This is a Playmate in her natural habitat!  She's riding a horse!  Maybe she's skiing!  She looks like such a fun-loving, All-American girl!)

Heat Level 2:  Fully Clothed Model.  May show leg and arm but minimal cleavage exposure. (Our Playmate has now put her horse in the barn and is resting on a bale of hay.  "Is it hot in here?," she asks.  Maybe I should undo my top button...")

Heat Level 3:  Models are clothed in lingerie, swimsuit or other attire which reveals significant skin.  No nipples or pubic region revealed.  No read-end nudity or cleavage.  (Our model is now relaxing with a glass of wine next to a roaring fire.  She looks a little out of breath.)

Heat Level 4:  Models have removed clothes but due to the angle of the shot or pose, nipples and genitals are completely covered. No visible "pink".  ("Did my clothes fall off?  And why is this satin sheet so tiny?  Tee-hee!")

Heat Level 5:  Models have removed clothes but due to the angle of the shot no nipples or genitals are not visible at all.   Complete breast profile is allowed but no "pink" visible.  Visible rear ends are acceptable so long as it is clear that the girl is wearing a thong. ("Advertise on this page, Pepsi!  It is clear that I am wearing a thong!")

Heat Level 6:  Exposed, completely nude rear-end.  No other nudity...partially removed or lowered thongs are a 6  (Our model has now slid her thong off in a seductive manner but don't worry advertisers!  It's still hanging partially off her butt.  That's why this photo is a 6 and not a 5.  Rules are rules.)

Heat Level 7:  Breasts and nipples are exposed.  No exposure of pubic region or genitals.  The pose is on the conservative end of the spectrum; a modeling shot.  ("Ooops!  A raccoon seems to have stolen my bra!")

Heat Level 8:  A "Hotter" shot.  Breast and nipples are exposed.  No exposure of pubic region or genitals.  The pose is sensual or seductive, including the girl pulling on her bottoms.  Can be fully nude but posed such that genitals are not visible. (This is the top-heavy, "come hither" look that made Playboy famous until the internet shattered Hef's will to live.)

Heat Level 9:  Genital Nudity but not-lascivious.  Pubic region and genitals exposed.  The pose would be considered not lascivious.  ("I'm now totally naked riding my horse!")

Heat Level 10:  Pubic region and genitals exposed.  Focal point of the image is the pubic region and/or the genitals, and the pose is lascivious, including the girl presenting her genitals or touching bare genitals.  (Our model is now laying down, perhaps with her back arched.  She is clearly about to "get it".  This pose was designed specifically for 13 year-old boys and that 13 year-old boy will remember her forever, says Mike who still cannot forget Cheryl Bachman, Playmate of the Month, October 1991.)

What an absurd way to make a living.