1) This is the kind of thing you don't see in all those romantic movies HBO plays on a constant loop: last night, I found myself watching a Cheers with my wife as we went to bed at about 10pm. On a Friday night. Woooooo!
2) Our exhaustion was actually not our fault. We spent the better part of the day at the bank arguing about our property taxes. It seems that some fairly important information about said taxes was mailed to our neighbors instead of us and as such, we never received word of said information until a whole lot of bullshit financial penalties were added on. Want to know what the problem was? The "one half" in our address.
See, we live at 5934.5 N Paulina (send money!). Sometimes whatever system we're working with--be it the Chase bank system, Grub Hub, PizzaHut.com, etc--won't let us put a decimal point in the address. Sometimes you have to list it as 1/2. Sometimes you can't put any indication at all. This leads so some moderately annoyed delivery guys and some important information about our taxes never actually reaching us.
Yesterday, at the bank, Krishni and I sat with an incredibly patient banker for over 3 hours while she tried to make things right. No shit: we found four different versions of our address in the Chase bank system. Three or four times, she shook her head and said "I've never seen anything like this." At one point, I was on the phone with a rep from another department and that rep requested that I confirm my address. When I did so, she said "That is not the address in our system" and demanded that I confirm the incorrect address at which she happened to be staring. In a moment of frustration, I asked "I'm sorry ma'am, but I have no idea what incorrect address you're staring at. How on earth am I supposed to confirm an address when I don't know how the address is wrong? This is the whole point."
3 hours later and nothing is resolved. We're going back Monday.
While waiting to hail a cab outside the Chase tower yesterday, my gorgeous--and under the weather--wife, turned to me and asked if incredibly complicated situations like this ever happened to me before I met her. "No," I replied, "This is just one of the added bonuses that comes along with being married to you." She took it as an insult but honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Maybe with less Chase Bank, anyway.
3) As I mentioned, Krishni is a bit under the weather today. She was all hopped up on DayQuil yesterday and chugged some NyQuil at night. However, this morning at about 7am, I rolled my fat ass over in bed and noticed that she wasn't there. Typically, I'm not awake at 7am unless the leafblower guy is asking to be murdered so it was just by sheer coincidence that I noticed she was no longer in bed.
Well, it wasn't by sheer coincidence: I was just awakened by a nightmare where Krishni was still asleep but nonetheless cupping my balls in her hand and staring into my eyes as she slowly crushed them. In the dream, I was screaming "WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE THE FUCK UP!" while trying to slap her awake so that my balls may survive to eventually produce Vladimir Voorhees Jacklich, Supreme Ruler of the Universe.
Now awake and thankful that my magnificent balls were still intact, I became concerned that I had shouted out "WAKE THE FUCK UP!" in my sleep for my entire condo to hear while simultaneously flailing about with my arms and driving my sick wife from our marital bed.
Nope. I found her on our couch and nudged her awake and asked if she needed anything. She said no and then told me why she came out to the couch in the first place: "I was cold so I turned off the air and then I was sleepy and then sneezy so I just went to sleep on the couch." Being a smartass, I asked "Just how many dwarves are you?" In her sleepiness, she just replied, "Doc?"
I love my wife.
4) For the record, I do not believe my wife is trying to castrate me. When I did wake up, alone and confused and concerned for my manly bits, I found that I had tangled myself up in my sheet and my bits were wrapped up tightly in said sheet. I have to believe that was the cause of the dream. Also, I'm oddly glad it was Krishni and, not, say, Brad crushing my nuts.
Because that would have been weird.
5) My concern for accidentally slapping my wife in her sleep is grounded in one actual incident. It would appear that a few years ago, I was asleep with my arm over my head while my wife laid (lied? Layed? Whatever) next to me watching TV and researching the Ebola Virus on her iPhone. Seems that my arm had a spasm and sort of karate chopped her in the face with such force that it woke me up immediately. Holy fuck I never felt as bad as I did that night. I apologized profusely and offered to go sleep on the couch but she declined.
A few days later I made the mistake of telling this "humorous" anecdote to Krishni's Mother. I know it's all in my head but I still feel Darlene looks at me funny every once in a while, suspecting me of beating her daughter. Guilt and all that.
Again, these are the stories the rom-coms don't tell you about.
6) Finally, you know how I feel about gay marriage. If you only ever read one thing on the subject, make it this. That essay is a reply written by Minnesota Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe to a Maryland state delegate who was complaining about a different NFL player who stated his support for marriage equality. The highlight?
"They won't magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster."
Seriously. Go read it.
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