So people hate Chick-fil-a. Or they love it. There really is no middle ground on this one. Who knew that the most polarizing company in the world wouldn't be named something like "The Mel Gibson Child Porn and Violent Rape Super Store of Greater North Korea"?
If you haven't heard, the owner of Chick-fil-a said in an interview that he was "Guilty as charged" when asked if he was against gay marriage. People on both sides of the debate, naturally, flipped the fuck out. There is now a national boycott of delicious, delicious chik'n sandwiches and a Mike Huckabee sponsored "National Chik-fil-a Day" for which kids in Alabama will now probably get a day off of school. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel delighted one side by saying that Chick-fil-a's values "are not Chicago's values"--echoing similar statements by the Mayors of Boston and Philadelphia--and supporting an alderman that is denying Chick-fil-a a building permit in his ward. Rush Limbaugh and many in the GOP immediately complained that such thoughts are hateful and bad business.
Even The Onion chimed in in their own delightful manner.
Now, we all know that Chick-fil-a has some abhorrent politics. I've said as much in this very space. They donate a shit-ton of money to organizations that have been designated as hate groups and their owner is a dick. But they also have the best ad campaign in the world and serve a cholesterol-riffic good lunch. I'm torn between my hatred of assholes and my love of fatty foods.
It's times like this that I think, "What would the Catholic church have to say about this?"
Fortunately for all of us, Cardinal Francis George didn't leave us waiting long. “Recent comments by those who administer our city seem to assume that
the city government can decide for everyone what are the ‘values’ that
must be held by citizens of Chicago,” George wrote on the Archdiocese of
Chicago's blog
Sunday. “I was born and raised here, and my understanding of being a
Chicagoan never included submitting my value system to the government
for approval. Must those whose personal values do not conform to those
of the government of the day move from the city?”
George went on to write:
“Approval of state-sponsored homosexual unions has very quickly become a
litmus test for bigotry. … Surely there must be a way to properly
respect people who are gay or lesbian without using civil law to
undermine the nature of marriage.”
Jesus, where to begin? Let's ignore the fact that Cardinal George here wants us to "properly respect" gay folks while simultaneously denying them dignity and equal rights. That's a helluva magic trick.
But why on earth are we listening to a priest's opinion on marriage when priests themselves are not allowed to get married? What insight does he have on the institution of marriage?
I'm an immature--sometimes drunk--guy who thinks about fantasy baseball and sex far too often to be healthy. But I'm also married. That little ceremony performed by my sister and attended by many of you gives me far more insight into marriage than a guy who has presided over an organization involved in one of the biggest pedophilia controversies in history.
Want to know the secret of marriage? Love. And separate bathrooms.
Francis George, however, seems to think the secret of marriage is one penis and one vagina making Catholic babies who in the future can be fingered by priests.
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Every day as I wake up, I turn off the white noise app on my iPhone and read the morning news. I check in at the Chicago Tribune website, I go to the Seattle weekly alternative blog to which Dan Savage contributes, I check my fantasy team and then I make one more pit-stop before eating breakfast: the NOM blog.
For those not in the know, NOM stands for the "National Organization for Marriage". NOM is an uber-religious organization whose sole purpose is to fight the marriage equality movement. It's run by a totally irrational guy named Brian Brown and a crusty vagina named Maggie Gallagher. They organize various boycotts of just about any corporation who donates to the equality movement (a surprising number of companies that I use and consume on a daily basis: General Mills, Apple, Microsoft, Starbucks, McDonalds, Disney, etc) while simultaneously decrying as fascists anyone who dares boycott Chik-fil-a.
You may ask yourself why--as a guy who is passionate about allowing dudes to marry--would bother to read such hate-filled drivel. Well, two reasons. For one, we should know the enemy, whether that enemy is in al-Qaeda or just a fat guy from Mississippi with a 7th grade education and an incomplete comprehension of the Bill of Rights.
Secondly, and most importantly, I like to rile these folks up.
Since the NOM blog is, in fact, a blog, they allow space for folks to comment on the individual posts. Anyone who spends any amount of time with me knows the comments section for stories on the internet is one of my favorite places to be. Given enough time, any discussion on any article will break down into an insult-filled back and forth that always ends up with one guy calling another guy a Nazi. Even if that article is about bunny rabbits shitting rainbows while winning an Olympic gold medal. It's quite fascinating to watch.
Thus, when you begin with an article that is already filled with hate, the comments section is downright delightful.
I like to post things like "I'm sorry you feel that way 'OnlyGay4Christ69', but soon you'll be dead and I guarantee your grandkids just won't hate gays like you do" and "Does it just suck living in Arkansas?" (for those keeping tabs, I've now generalized and offended people from Alabama, Mississippi and Arkansas. Sorry Jon.)
Many times, these posts get deleted by the moderator but if you state your case quietly and eloquently in a non-offensive manner, the post will stay up on the blog forever. I encourage you to go and post something today. Pissing off a fag-hatin' fatty from Kansas (bam! I got another one!) soothes the soul.
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This fall, gay marriage is on the ballots in Washington state, Maryland and Minnesota. I don't have high hopes for any of them--Washington might pass--but even in defeat, the movement is clearly winning. Hell, I never thought I'd see the Democrats adding marriage equality to their platform but that appears to be the exactly what they are doing. Think about that for a moment: in the last few years we've seen the numbers in favor of gay marriage consistently tick up to roughly 50-55% while also getting one of the two major political parties and the goddamed President of the United States to state their support. Hell, even Republicans are starting to see that the fight is lost. The Rick Santorums and Mike Huckabees are a dying breed.
Hopefully soon Adam will finally be able to legally wed Steve. The religious right will still be able to wallow in their hypocrisy, decrying sodomy and screaming about how gay marriage is destroying the fabric of their own marriages and children...all the while vigorously masturbating to some hot girl-on-girl porn and not understanding the meaning of the word "irony".
Know where I'll be when the LGBT movement wins? Sipping some celebretory Veuve Clicquot with my wife while joyously reading about judgement day on the NOM blog.
Somewhere in Utah, OnlyGay4Christ69 will be weeping. It'll be a good day.
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