CTA

The morning commute can be hard on anyone.  I like to think of myself as a fairly laid-back guy when it comes to such things.  Seeing how I help grown men masturbate for a living, if I experience a delay in my public transportation, I simply shrug my shoulders and say loudly to the commuter next to me, "I guess that's just 5 fewer guys I won't be able to electronically stroke off today.  How sad."

Of course there can be frustrating days on the CTA, too...I once made the mistake of sitting next to this miserable old bitch who took offense at my winter coat infringing on her seat.  Instead of doing what any normal person would do ("Excuse me, but your coat is sneaking into my space.  Could you please move it?"  "Certainly!  I would hate to offend a polite commuter such as yourself!  Have a super-duper day!  But I won't let you go without a hug!"), she jammed her elbow into my side.  I assumed the assault was just a spasm or a mistake and ignored it.  To further get her point across, she proceeded to jam her elbow into my ribs three times in quick succession.  "Ow!  Why are you elbowing me!?," I asked.  "Your damn coat is in my seat!   It's 40 degrees out.  Why don't you zip it up like a damn normal person?"

I was dumbfounded and this was one of those rare times when I found myself at an actual loss of words.  If course I thought of all sorts of clever things to say to her later that day.   "I'm terribly sorry!  I thought I was on a Chicago Transit Authority bus and not in your first class stateroom!  How silly of me!" or "Oh, I didn't zip up my coat since, unlike you, I haven't yet felt to cold, clammy hand of death on my shoulder!"

But you know what?  Maybe I was in the wrong.  My coat is puffy and it was unzipped.  Maybe my coat really did annoy her.  I was willing to chalk it up as this woman having a bad day but a few mornings later, I found myself sitting across from her when the same situation played out with a new guy sitting next to her.  This time, he was a much smaller guy than me and his jacket was zipped up to his chin.  The same thing played out: she thought he was infringing on her space and instead of moving to another seat, proceeded to swing her arms about until she struck him several times.   He had a much better response than I did:  "I didn't know you needed three seats for your fat ass, you old bitch!"

Clearly, this woman is the worst commuter in the world.  Plus, she looked like a cross between Mac's Mom from "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia":

and the Bitter Beer Face Guy:

I have never wished death upon anyone.  But I have to tell you:  Every time I see her at the bus stop now, a little part of me is disappointed she's still alive.

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This morning I was in another world.  I took some NyQuil last night and it worked like a charm.  Knocked me out, stone cold.  However, the stuff was clearly still in my system this morning and I commuted like a zombie.  When my bus pulled up to the Foster and Sheridan intersection, I heard a woman screaming outside the bus.  It would seem that there was some construction on the east side of the intersection that day and as a result, my 147 bus and the following 144 bus could not pull past the intersection and stop end-to-end.  Because of this, the 144 pulled up parallel to my bus and stopped to let on passengers.  Apparently, the screaming woman didn't realize this was happening and as the bus pulled past and proceeded onto Lake Shore Drive without her, she ran at a full sprint after it screaming, "TELL THAT FUCKER TO STOP!!!"  Now, keep in mind that I was inside the bus when I heard her--crystal clear, by the way--as she screamed outside the bus...this woman was loud.  And mad.

Then, for whatever reason, she got onto my 147.  Since she was running back from her pursuit of the 144, she was the last person on.  The bus started to pull away from the stop as she walked to the back of the accordion-style bus, muttering profanities the entire way.  Instead of sitting down, she reached the back doors to the bus and started frantically pounding on the glass.  As she did so, she screeched "LET ME OFF THIS FUCKING BUS!  OFF!  OFF!  OFF!"

Let me tell you:  she was not happy with the way her morning commute was turning out.  The bus driver came to a tire-screeching halt, let her off and she exited muttering, spitting and bitching the whole way.  I last saw her as she was walking west on Foster Ave. 

I hope her day got better.  All I know is this:  I would have given my next paycheck to have seen that woman take a seat next to the old elbowing harpy from the story above.  I feel karma owes me a solid.

Sigh.  Maybe tomorrow.