I'm old, Part 2

Back on January 30th, 2008, I posted an entry at my totally inappropriate MySpace blog entitled, "I'm Old".  Within, it had the following passage:

"It all started at work.  My back had been feeling a little out of sorts for the better part of the day.  Lower back pain is never pleasant, I would imagine, but I had never really experienced it before.  The spasms started small and only happened when I stood up from my desk area.  Any time I turned or, uh, moved, a tiny little pain would shoot through my spine and hammer my brain.  Ouch.  But it was manageable.  

I left work, made my way to the train and started thinking about the delicious, delicious burrito I was going to buy across the street from my bus stop. I knew something was wrong when I ordered something like 'a chorizo burrito with no sour-GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !'  It snuck up on me and attacked with such vengeance that I didn't know what the hell had happened. It felt like to opposite of an orgasm.  I stammered through my order and immediately went next door to the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka."

The rest of the post goes on to describe how useless I was for the next 48 hours.  It was the most pain I had ever randomly encountered, and this comes from a guy who just had his neck assaulted by a crazy homeless dude.  

Anyhow, I figured that the source of my back pain was from a weird chair I had been using at work.  They had just moved us from one end of the office to the other and in the move, they had lost my desk chair.  The new one was super uncomfortable and over the course of the next few weeks, I experienced some back soreness that eventually erupted into the fateful burrito order above.   I switched chairs shortly thereafter and, like magic, my back pain slowly went away.  I haven't experienced anything like that godawful week since.  

Cut to this past week.  It happened again but this time, there is no "office chair" explanation for my spasms.  I can only come to one conclusion:

I am--for realz, this time--really god damned old.

You see, normally when folks throw out their back, it's because of a lingering issue from long ago--my dad's back pain can be traced to when he played football in college--or otherwise they were doing something moderately active: whether it be playing with their kids, or falling off a ladder or making a sudden, jerky movement to prevent someone or something from falling.   All of these are fantastic excuses for back pain.  You know what I did to cause my back pain?  

I sat down on my bed to put on my socks.  

Ask Krishni about it sometime.  She was laying on the bed when I sat down and immediately shot directly up screaming something like "JESUSF'INGGAAAAAAOWOWOWOWOWCHRIST!"  I begged her to move over--likely not in a polite fashion--so I could lie down and whimper and swear and pretty much not move.   It was terrible.  And I have no idea what I did to cause the back gods to be angry with me.

Now, it's been well documented that I don't exercise enough.  And I eat a lot.  And probably drink more than I should.  And I just turned 33.  My sudden and fierce back attack was probably a direct result of all of the above.   Or maybe it's because I've already peaked as a human being--sad as it is to say, since I help grown men masturbate for a living--and it's all downhill from here.  

Christ.  Krishni married an old man.  Here's photographic proof:

Hooray for old man pants!